Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day - A love/hate holiday
I know that I am breaking the momentum of my building story, but I feel like I need to spend a little time on this holiday that is so hard for so many. Whether you have lost a Mother or are a Mother who has lost, it is hard. You remember the good and the happy, but the fact that they aren't here is painfully obvious and hard to ignore. Loss in any form will not be ignored. It may wait patiently for a while and it is happy to stand in line behind all the other trials of life, BUT it will be there at exactly the wrong time and the most perfectly horrible place just when you don't need it. Have no fear of that, you will break down and you will perform the ugly cry but it's ok and it's cleansing and it will pass. If it needs to be on this day then so be it, but welcome it and the reason that it has arrived because if we had never experienced a love so wonderful and pure it wouldn't hurt so damn bad.
Please, please, please feel blessed that you were gifted with that love that so many in this world never get to have and so few really cherish. Be one of the few and spread that love as far and wide as you can because you never know who is hurting and may need some bright and good in their life. Things in this life don't happen by accident, and though the path chosen may not be your choice, it isn't always about you. Scars are made because the wound has healed and that place is strengthened and fortified by new flesh so that the coming cuts don't get through as easily. You are stronger for what you have endured and someone else needs that strength and that is why you are on path that you see before you. The sun will shine and you will feel it's warmth on those scars.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Dear Lydia
All I ever wanted to make was something as beautiful as you
But in place of brown, with eyes so blue
From her body so sick, you grew healthy and new
From my body so healthy, sick babies grew
I love you so much and the joy that you bring
I am so happy for them and the song their hearts sing
I know the Lord works in mysterious ways
We are proof of that fact when I watch my children play
But it still makes me cry and sometimes get confused
All I ever wanted to make was something as beautiful as you
But in place of brown, with eyes so blue
From her body so sick, you grew healthy and new
From my body so healthy, sick babies grew
I love you so much and the joy that you bring
I am so happy for them and the song their hearts sing
I know the Lord works in mysterious ways
We are proof of that fact when I watch my children play
But it still makes me cry and sometimes get confused
All I ever wanted to make was something as beautiful as you
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Miracle on Dixie Avenue
We had our second baby girl cremated so that I could keep her near me. I can't even relive Kaelynn's funeral because it nearly killed me the first time and we had nothing but problems with her gravemarker and the cemetary. If she was not out there next to my husband's sister, I probably would have cremated her as well. Neither process was pleasant. Even the funeral homes don't know how to react or what to say. They see grieving people every day, but walk in pregnant and ask to make arrangements for what is moving around in your belly and they get some pretty empty looks on their faces.
You can certainly know that by this point in the game, my husband had thrown in the towel. There was no discussion of trying again or any game plan for that matter. He was done! I just couldn't believe this was it. I knew in my heart we were supposed to have children and all of the events that had taken place couldn't have been for no good reason. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
I started talking to my husband about adoption. I might as well have been talking to myself most of the time because he wasn't hearing it. There were so many questions, how much did it cost? Where did we start? How long would we wait? Could we love a child that wasn't "ours"? Could we even be approved to adopt?
Donnie's cousin had a friend that worked for a doctor that had been placing babies for years, but he had a list a mile long and the holidays were coming fast. I called to schedule an appointment, but the office was to be closed over the holidays, so we deciced after the first of the year would be the best time to meet. His staff passed along our story and we were destined to struggle through the season with empty arms and no real plan of action. I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas. What did I have to celebrate? One baby in the ground and a box of ashes on the mantle? I certainly put the Bah in Humbug. I did however make a list for my husband as I always did and about halfway down was Baby. God had forsaken us, but maybe Santa would come through, right?!
I somehow found some peace with the season and celebrated with family. It was actually pretty late when we arrived home on Christmas Day and I was getting into bed when Donnie's cousin called around 10:00 pm that evening. She was pretty much in tears and told me that I had to call her friend at the doctor's office. They had been trying to get hold of her and had some new for us. That news was of a 26 year old girl that walked through the door of the hospital on Christmas morning with no prior prenatal care, cocaine in her system and identical twin girls in her womb. The doctor that we hadn't even met yet just happened to be on call that day and delivered those beautiful babies by c-section himself. He spoke to this lost girl of which was the mother of 8 other children, none in her custody and told her the story of a family that had lost two baby girls to a rare genetic disorder and wanted desperately to have children. She agreed that she couldn't care for them was convinced it was the right thing to do. I pray for her quite often and thank everyone involved, because those girls saved our marriage, our faith and probably my life. We love our dark-haired, black-eyed, olive skinned girls with all of our heart and have no doubt that they were made just for us. I had never received before that moment or any moment since a better Christmas present than them.
You can certainly know that by this point in the game, my husband had thrown in the towel. There was no discussion of trying again or any game plan for that matter. He was done! I just couldn't believe this was it. I knew in my heart we were supposed to have children and all of the events that had taken place couldn't have been for no good reason. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
I started talking to my husband about adoption. I might as well have been talking to myself most of the time because he wasn't hearing it. There were so many questions, how much did it cost? Where did we start? How long would we wait? Could we love a child that wasn't "ours"? Could we even be approved to adopt?
Donnie's cousin had a friend that worked for a doctor that had been placing babies for years, but he had a list a mile long and the holidays were coming fast. I called to schedule an appointment, but the office was to be closed over the holidays, so we deciced after the first of the year would be the best time to meet. His staff passed along our story and we were destined to struggle through the season with empty arms and no real plan of action. I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas. What did I have to celebrate? One baby in the ground and a box of ashes on the mantle? I certainly put the Bah in Humbug. I did however make a list for my husband as I always did and about halfway down was Baby. God had forsaken us, but maybe Santa would come through, right?!
I somehow found some peace with the season and celebrated with family. It was actually pretty late when we arrived home on Christmas Day and I was getting into bed when Donnie's cousin called around 10:00 pm that evening. She was pretty much in tears and told me that I had to call her friend at the doctor's office. They had been trying to get hold of her and had some new for us. That news was of a 26 year old girl that walked through the door of the hospital on Christmas morning with no prior prenatal care, cocaine in her system and identical twin girls in her womb. The doctor that we hadn't even met yet just happened to be on call that day and delivered those beautiful babies by c-section himself. He spoke to this lost girl of which was the mother of 8 other children, none in her custody and told her the story of a family that had lost two baby girls to a rare genetic disorder and wanted desperately to have children. She agreed that she couldn't care for them was convinced it was the right thing to do. I pray for her quite often and thank everyone involved, because those girls saved our marriage, our faith and probably my life. We love our dark-haired, black-eyed, olive skinned girls with all of our heart and have no doubt that they were made just for us. I had never received before that moment or any moment since a better Christmas present than them.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
If...
If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
Like the river rushing furiously to unite with the sea
I would drown the doubt and anger until it choked and couldn't be
If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
Blocking out the rain, the hurt, the shame and cold
I would lift the weight and burden like a rising puff of smoke
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Sifting through the sludge to obtain what has been lost
Until your mind runs clear and the demons have been tossed
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Like the river rushing furiously to unite with the sea
I would drown the doubt and anger until it choked and couldn't be
If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
Blocking out the rain, the hurt, the shame and cold
I would lift the weight and burden like a rising puff of smoke
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Sifting through the sludge to obtain what has been lost
Until your mind runs clear and the demons have been tossed
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Really??
I am sure that you have learned by now that I am anything but a quitter. Thick-headed, one-track minded and a little stupid, yes, but quitter no. I just had this overwhelming feeling of everything is going to work out, it is all going to be ok and above all...I HAD to get pregnant again. It was only a 25% chance that it would happen again and those odds were lowered even more by the fact that it had already happened once. The odds were good and everyone was on board. My husband and I just have to look at each other and we get pregnant, so that was again not a problem. All my levels were good and everything in the early stages were fine as before. At between 16 and 18 weeks we went for the dreaded ultrasound. I was nothing but positive and wore my pink shirt in hopes of another girl. That was the only wish that came true that day.
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
It's Been A Day
March is never a good month, Kaelynn was born and died in that month. It has been 10 years and my body still remembers every emotion and feeling. I am happy with my life and I love my kids and I have a wonderful husband who loves my kids, but damn it still hurts! I still find myself making sure that I am not too happy, because that means something bad might happen. I think that my husband and I both hold back just a little on loving each other and the kids because if we love them too much, they may be taken away. I get so upset with them sometimes if they roughhouse too much because the mere thought of them being injured is almost more than I can handle. Then I think, God wouldn't take them from me. I had to work too hard to get them. Of course I didn't think he would allow me to have three of my own pass away either. What do I know? I am obviously not making the rules around here.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What now?
I look back at our journey and really wonder how I even got out of bed every day or why I thought I should. My greatest wish was never going to come true. I had always known that I wanted kids and once I met my husband, I wanted nothing more than to have his kids. Our beautiful children with gourgeous almond shaped blue eyes and curly hair. I would never look into those eyes and see a little part of myself. I would never have to tame that unruly hair and remember how much I hated it as a kid.
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(
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