May 10, 2009

What is happy?  I definitely know sad, angry, lost, hurt, betrayed, and grief but what is happy?  Does anyone know happy for more than a fleeting moment?  Does it ever stay like sad does?  Why doesn't happy creep in when sadness is there like sadness does when you are "happy"?
Hurt can come right in the middle of a laugh, saying "don't forget about me".

May 7, 2009

I found a journal from 2009 and thought that I would share a few of the entries.  I really have come a long way.  It will happen, it just takes time.

I feel broken
mentally, physically and spiritually broken
How do you fix a being?
How can you "be" when chunks of your heart are missing?
I don't understand

Have You Tried To Breath?

Can you see it my way
I hope that you can't

Have you tried to breath
Only to push out a pant

Has the darkness slinked in
And enveloped the light

Leaving you blind
With no strenghth left to fight

Have you cussed at the Lord
With anger so thick

You thought He would never forgive you
Your soul to never be picked

My hope for us all
Know His love and His strength

He can shoulder the weight
And YOU are stronger than you think

The Anger won't change what was
But the Pain provides a spark

Use that spark to build a fire
You can heal a friend's grieving heart

We aren't here for "number one"
That's not what life's about

He gave us all a Purpose
Now go and figure it out!

Angry and Scared are OK

     I remember how excited and happy and terrified I was at the thought of bringing our twins home.  We had worked so hard for these babies and been through so much and now we had received what we had been praying for for so long.  Of course, we are the classic case of be careful what you pray for.  I only asked for one healthy baby and I got two!  You would have thought and I am sure that most people did, that we would be blissfully happy and never want for another thing in this life, but we still ached to have a child that came from the love that we shared. 
     I think now how selfish this is and the thought of what might have happened to our girls had we not adopted them turns my stomach, but I had an unrelenting NEED to get pregnant again.  It was always there in the back of my mind and I talked it about quite frequently with my husband, who said time and time again "I'm good with the girls".  Twins are a big undertaking for first time parents and I was still grieving for the two girls we had lost.  I was sooooooo overprotective of the twins and was branded "Freak Mom" by those closest to me.  Let's face it, I was afraid of losing them too.  I was past the point of "the worst is over" or "nothing else could possibly go wrong".  These types of things aren't in our vocabulary anymore.  It can always be worse and it can happen again...because it did.  I know now that it was part of His plan and the way that it had to be, but man was I angry.  I also remember being in denial for a little while and thinking that there is no way that we could both carry this rare gene that is prominent in an Amish community in Pennsylvania.  I mean, seriously, what kind of crap is that?!  And who were we to deserve such a beautiful gift as these twin girls?  Most couples stay on a list for years and either never get a baby or end up adopting older children.  We got two babies, from birth, and no opposition from the birth parents.  Our story was something that a friend tells you about.  You know the one...did you hear about so-and-so and her losing two babies?  I don't know how she made it through that and then they adopted twins, can you believe it?
      These kind of things don't happen to YOU, they are urban myths or fairly tales from far off lands.  So, yes, I have been angry...scared...excited...depressed...anxious...exhausted...worried...confused and elated all in one day before.  It would come in waves or all at one time and be so hard to process.  I wish I had had a me to talk to, someone that had been there.  Someone that was writing a blog about what she felt and how she coped.  You can have some "crazy" thoughts and emotions when things like this happen and none of them are wrong, they just are.  There is no right or wrong way to process your trials, you just have to do what you can do and have a good support system.  There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope.  Always look up to Him for support and not down to drugs, alcohol or withdrawing from those that love you.  You need them now more than ever.  Use those shoulders and don't be afraid to cry or yell or run, just make sure that you come back refreshed and ready to jump that next hurdle.  Not even Forest Gump could run forever, you have stop running at some point.  The sun always rises and problems are like shadows, they will always be behind you or in front of you and no matter how fast your run, they have no problem keeping up.

Grief Can Open Your Eyes and Your Heart

While grief can be confining and close you off from the world for a while, it can also be quite enlightening to many things in this life. Some that you didn't want to experience or think about at all and wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Having to sign a non resuscitate order for my one day old daughter would be at the top of my list. Horrifying as this was, it definitely opened my eyes to what is important in this life and what should and shouldn't matter. I have never been one to say one thing and act another way when no one was looking, but I learned to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you love someone tell them, if something is bothering you say so, if you are scared admit it, if you can change something do it and if you can't change something don't dwell on it. It has also opened my heart to people and situations I would have avoided before. Although I haven't gotten to one of the best parts of our story, most of you know about the adoption of our twin girls the same year that we lost our second daughter. Twins born with cocaine in their system to a mother that had been incarcerated for the majority of the pregnancy would have had most people running the opposite direction, but I had lost two very sick little girls and wanted nothing more than to care for those twins...sick or not. It was the grief that opened my heart to be able to let them in however, I know that now. I wouldn't be the person I am today and in the position to be of some real help to others without my grief. You can't teach this in any school, learn it from any book or absorb it from any online search engine. It comes from my soul, is intertwined in every muscle fiber and can never be stripped from me. I am not saying that this is what I had planned or wanted, but I wouldn't change it. It has given me strength, given me courage I didn't know I had, brought me closer to my husband and family and blessed me with three of the most beautiful children. If you can climb out of the rubble and blow all the ashes out, you will be better than you were before. You will embrace your grief and one of these days be thankful for your experiences. Use them to grow and help others find their purpose, because we all have one. Some of us have to endure a little more pain than others, but that is ok. I realize that God must have a great deal of faith in ME and he deserves to have that faith returned. He moves in me to be able to inspire you.

My Friend and My Mother

I remember you there with a shoulder to loan I remember you there making our house a home Your strength and your love in my heart stayed for good Your gift to us was do as I do and not as you should Laughter through grief and courage through tears Your love and your guidance for all of my years I am only the person I am because of your love for me I am only the mother I am because you taught me to be Forget the past and all of the strife Forget the mistakes made in this life Thank you for all that you are and who I've become My journey's been long and my pain more than some As a daughter and friend, my cup runneth over The Lord filled it with you, my friend and my Mother Love, Your Favorite

Mother's Day - A love/hate holiday

I know that I am breaking the momentum of my building story, but I feel like I need to spend a little time on this holiday that is so hard for so many. Whether you have lost a Mother or are a Mother who has lost, it is hard. You remember the good and the happy, but the fact that they aren't here is painfully obvious and hard to ignore. Loss in any form will not be ignored. It may wait patiently for a while and it is happy to stand in line behind all the other trials of life, BUT it will be there at exactly the wrong time and the most perfectly horrible place just when you don't need it. Have no fear of that, you will break down and you will perform the ugly cry but it's ok and it's cleansing and it will pass. If it needs to be on this day then so be it, but welcome it and the reason that it has arrived because if we had never experienced a love so wonderful and pure it wouldn't hurt so damn bad. Please, please, please feel blessed that you were gifted with that love that so many in this world never get to have and so few really cherish. Be one of the few and spread that love as far and wide as you can because you never know who is hurting and may need some bright and good in their life. Things in this life don't happen by accident, and though the path chosen may not be your choice, it isn't always about you. Scars are made because the wound has healed and that place is strengthened and fortified by new flesh so that the coming cuts don't get through as easily. You are stronger for what you have endured and someone else needs that strength and that is why you are on path that you see before you. The sun will shine and you will feel it's warmth on those scars.