I am...

I am a Mom
by choice and by chance

I am a Wife
thanks to God and romance

I am a Friend
because I need friends in return

I am a Griever
with three tiny urns

I am a Christian
because there is no other way

I am a Believer
my heart has the say

I am All of these things
but most of all Scared

Scared of losing who I love
they will no longer be there

I am Struggling with this life
and all I have to be

I am All of these things
but still just have to be Me.

What makes us get back up?

Now that almost everyone I know is "friends" with me on Facebook as well as about a billion other people, I have been exposed to so many stories of struggling families all across the United States. I know the heartache of a sick little one and the heartbreak and unnaturalness of the death of a child. It is really touching to see the out-pour of support of love from complete strangers for these families. I realize that a few comments from strangers is not what keeps these families fighting every day, but it certainly doesn't hurt to have extra soldiers behind you in battle. That is exactly what it feels like sometimes, a war that can never be won. A constant struggle against an invisible enemy that you have no idea how to defeat. At my very worst times in my struggle with grief, I didn't have Facebook. I didn't realize that bad things happened to other people too, it must have only been me. Even though I had a strong support group of friends and family, I still felt terribly alone sometimes. Don't misunderstand, I would rather bad things not happen at all and especially not to such good people. It has started me thinking very deeply about why I kept on getting up every morning. I just kept on picking my self up off the mat ready for another round of punishment and abuse. Hit me again! I can take it. Either I am incredibly strong or just beyond stupid and extremely too optimistic. Everything is going to be ok. How many times have I said that, when it just really wasn't. I used to think that nothing else bad could possibly happen, I have been through the worst already. That is certainly not true. Something else bad can happen and usually does, but there is also usually a tiny miracle that takes place afterward. Sometimes they are more obvious than others and sometimes you might almost miss them. I am positive that a few have happened that I will never know about, but that is because they weren't meant for my benefit. We are all here to help someone else. Some of those people are in front of us every day, but I know that there are many more that our stories touch and we may never meet them. So, I am still not sure how I got to this particular point in my battle or if there is one particular reason that keeps me fighting. I do know that I have thousands of tiny reasons, my immediate family and friends at the forefront, to keep moving forward. I am blessed by them and thankful for them every day and I will keep fighting to hopefully help someone else out there that may be struggling. Faith has never let me down, but that is not something that can be taught. You have to feel at one with it and trust in Him from the depth of your soul. He is always watching and where you are is where you are supposed to be. Please keep getting back up.

I wish...

I wish I could have met her She was his first best friend I wish she could have blessed them With children that were kin I wish I could mend a heart One tiny piece at a time I wish I knew the secret I would start with mending mine I wish my heart were whole Because then I could do more good I could piece other's hearts together Like a puzzle made of wood I wouldn't have to wish anymore I could make a difference in so many I wish I could touch all the broken hearts I wish there were not any

When Life Gives You Grief...

     I am not saying that it is my favorite thing to do, but grieving is very cleansing for the soul.  Everyone needs a good cry every now and again, including men.  Although, my husband has said in the past that he has always been afraid to start crying for fear that he may never stop.  I have had those cries as well and only stopped because I had depleted my fluids in the flood that had occurred.
     I do think that there is a misconception about grief, in that we only grieve when there is a significant loss of a loved one, friend or even a cherished pet.  I have now come to the understanding that one of the reasons that we are so "unhappy" as human beings is because we grieve every day over something.  You may not realize that you are grieving, which is the main reason that grief isn't purged from your system so that you may move forward to healing.  I have grieved so very deeply that I actually felt a tiny part of my soul shredded from the whole of me sliver by sliver as if someone took a cheese grater to deepest part of my heart.  This pain came from the loss of my children, the physical loss of them but I have grieved the spiritual loss of them ever since.  I grieve the could-have-beens, the should-have-beens and the what-ifs of them.
     I grieve for my 8 year old struggling so hard to read and comprehend that there is pain behind her eyes.  I grieve for the loss of others because I know the pain they feel.  I grieve for the poor and misguided decisions of loved ones and the pain that it is causing.  I grieve for the relationships I have never had the privilege to know because someone was taken too soon.  I grieve for those that don't seem to have the strength to make themselves better or never learned to forgive.  I even grieve over the fact that I can't grieve for everyone and that I have to shut some of it out so that it leaves what I need to care for myself and my family.  I grieve for so many things that it does sometimes get me down, but what I have learned is that if you aren't grieving over something or someone it means that you haven't loved or cared deeply enough.  Grief is the gift that lets you know how blessed you really are.  You were blessed to love so much that it nearly killed you when you lost that love.
     So rejoice in the love that you felt, feel the warmth creep back into your soul and keep searching for that big love if you haven't found it yet.  When life gives you grief, embrace it, face it and keep moving forward so that you can live while you are alive and recognize the blessings been given.  Just remember that you aren't the only one, everyone is faced with struggle and the odds are good that someone else is grieving your pain with you.  Release it to Him.

DJ (Donnie, Jr.) - May 7, 2008

     I seemed to have gotten quite sidetracked in my story line, but I do tend to follow my heart in pretty much everything that I do.  This is exactly the reason why I wouldn't leave my husband alone about trying again.  I had an unrelenting, burning, searing, neverending NEED to be pregnant again.  I couldn't explain it, especially not to him.  He didn't want to understand it, because he knew I couldn't handle another loss.  I on the other hand kept telling him I would be fine.  I have the girls now and it can't be as bad as the other two times, I have done it twice now, I am practically an expert on losing a child...a pro, I could write a book!  Riiiiigggghhht!!  I just could not believe that it could happen again.  The odds were so completely crazy and how could God even think of putting us through that again.  It just wasn't going to happen.  And once again, it wasn't my plan that ended up in the playbook.
     We got pregnant right away, of course, because this was our curse.  We could get pregnant by touching the tips of our fingers to one another.  We were excited, apprehensive of course, but I was determined to enjoy every bit of the pregnancy.  My girls were excited as well and we started all of the talk of the baby being in Mommy's tummy and why they didn't come out of my tummy and all of the other usual talk that happens until...
     That time came when we had to go for the dreaded ultrasound.  We knew exactly what we were looking for and could spot it a mile away.  It didn't look good and we were certain it had happened again before the doctor ever came back to the tiny room that stood between us and our dream.  There was one thing on the screen that we hadn't seen before.  You guessed it, it was a boy!  Every man's pride to have a son of his own and every mother's special boy and ours was very sick.
     We didn't even have to discuss our plan, it had been decided before we ever made our ultrasound appointment, but once I knew it was a boy I couldn't stick to the plan.  All I wanted was to give my husband a son, a tiny Donnie with great big blue eyes.  I couldn't make the decision to terminate even though I knew the outcome.  I was so torn between what I wanted, what I needed, what the rest of the family wanted and having to make the decision at all.  It wasn't fair.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  How could He let this happen and why did He put it on my heart to get pregnant again?
     I was SO angry and I couldn't think straight or sideways or crossways or any other way.  I cried and I cussed and I cussed and I cried and the girls who I loved so much didn't take the pain away.  What was I thinking?  I couldn't handle this again.  I didn't handle it very well the first two times it happened, what made this any different?  But, after much deliberation and soul sucking, I decided it would be too hard on me to stay pregnant and so unfair to my girls if the baby lived but needed full time care.  Their future was at stake as well and I couldn't do that to them, so we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we did with Kadyn's.
     I know that God laid his hands on me the day that I went to the hospital because I had such a peace about me and felt so relaxed and at one with my decision.  I focused on my girls and making sure that they understood to the best of their ability what was truly happening.  Baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us and Mommy may be sad for a little while, but that being sad was perfectly ok and crying was allowed.  But the girls didn't cry and they weren't sad.  They were proud of their little brother and thought that he looked like an angel in his tiny gown.  They held him and kissed him and told him they loved him and I told him I was sorry.  Sorry for needing him so much and sorry that he couldn't stay.
     I let him go that day along with so many other things that I couldn't control and I tried my best to get through the day, hour by hour minute by minute.  Breathing in and out because I had to, but not necessarily because I wanted to.  I stayed very angry at God and wasn't shy about letting Him know it until that day in June, the day that my Mom called me and another miracle began to bloom.

See You As I See

Can you come over here
And just melt into me

Can you take a look through my eyes
And see you as I see

Look into your perfect blue eyes
With which you see your children with joy

Touch your perfect hands
With which you caress all our souls

Feel your perfect mended heart
At one time sealed with the tar of pain

Hear your soothing voice
That clears my sky from all rain

Know your strength and your loss
So undeserved and tragic at best

Accept your blessings been given
And don't dwell on the rest

You are meant to be happy
And you've done nothing wrong

In this life we will struggle
But the world WILL hear our song

Love you.

What, How, Where, Who...He

What do you do when hope isn't enough
What do you do when you're almost out of trust

How do you cope with all of the pain
How do you know the prayers aren't in vain

Where do you turn when you can't stand alone
Where is the hand that you need to hold

Who is to blame for so much gone bad
Who can you name to pick up the tab

He is the light which you need to seek
He is the prize at the top of the peak

You have the strength, for He placed it within
You keep the faith that led you to Him

We will lift you up with praise and with prayer
We will never you let you down, we will always be there