This Is Your Race

I cry for you now, but it won't last very long
No time for that - we are way too strong

There is nothing that you can't overcome
Every fight isn't to be won, but the battle has just begun

So you dig in at the start of this race
There is no other you, you can't be replaced

God has given us the sign it will all be OK
Let us open our hearts for He knows the way

Life is so short, we're only here for awhile
So you have to decide "where's my place, what's my style"

But I think you're here to sparkle and glow
I think you're here so others will know

They will see your light, so don't let it dim
They will feel your strength and know it's from Him

So eyes turned to Heaven and heart filled with Grace
We are all here behind you, but this is Your Race.

I Wasn't Sure

I wasn't sure I could watch you go
Would there be pain, would it be slow

The pain I felt can't be put into words
I gave you life, now He was taking yours

I understand now why it had to be
The sacrifice of you was to make a stronger me

I wasn't sure if my heart still worked
I wasn't sure if I liked this Earth

I was afraid that you wouldn't know
You wouldn't feel my love before you had to go

But you knew and finally made me stay
You wanted my arms around you when you passed away

Thank you for the strength and show of bravery
I won't ever give up again because you didn't give up on me.

To My Girls

I've always been the fixer
That's just what I do

I've always filled in the cracks
I've always been the glue

I can't fix everything that's wrong
I can't fill in the holes

You will have to bring your own cement
You will have to set your poles

For, I can't forge your path or plan
I don't make the rules

I can't shield you from the ugly truth
I can't protect you from the cruel

I can believe in God's great plan
I can teach you my faith

For that is all we have sometimes
But that will only get us to the Gate

You can't see the finish line
If your eyes are closed in fear

Walk tall to your challenge, for it is yours
The place you should be is here

So know that I am proud of you
No matter what you do

You are perfect in my eyes
You are perfect to Him too

So forge a path that is your own
But know I'm by your side

You can do all things through Christ
And that will bring you pride

I am...

I am a Mom
by choice and by chance

I am a Wife
thanks to God and romance

I am a Friend
because I need friends in return

I am a Griever
with three tiny urns

I am a Christian
because there is no other way

I am a Believer
my heart has the say

I am All of these things
but most of all Scared

Scared of losing who I love
they will no longer be there

I am Struggling with this life
and all I have to be

I am All of these things
but still just have to be Me.

What makes us get back up?

Now that almost everyone I know is "friends" with me on Facebook as well as about a billion other people, I have been exposed to so many stories of struggling families all across the United States. I know the heartache of a sick little one and the heartbreak and unnaturalness of the death of a child. It is really touching to see the out-pour of support of love from complete strangers for these families. I realize that a few comments from strangers is not what keeps these families fighting every day, but it certainly doesn't hurt to have extra soldiers behind you in battle. That is exactly what it feels like sometimes, a war that can never be won. A constant struggle against an invisible enemy that you have no idea how to defeat. At my very worst times in my struggle with grief, I didn't have Facebook. I didn't realize that bad things happened to other people too, it must have only been me. Even though I had a strong support group of friends and family, I still felt terribly alone sometimes. Don't misunderstand, I would rather bad things not happen at all and especially not to such good people. It has started me thinking very deeply about why I kept on getting up every morning. I just kept on picking my self up off the mat ready for another round of punishment and abuse. Hit me again! I can take it. Either I am incredibly strong or just beyond stupid and extremely too optimistic. Everything is going to be ok. How many times have I said that, when it just really wasn't. I used to think that nothing else bad could possibly happen, I have been through the worst already. That is certainly not true. Something else bad can happen and usually does, but there is also usually a tiny miracle that takes place afterward. Sometimes they are more obvious than others and sometimes you might almost miss them. I am positive that a few have happened that I will never know about, but that is because they weren't meant for my benefit. We are all here to help someone else. Some of those people are in front of us every day, but I know that there are many more that our stories touch and we may never meet them. So, I am still not sure how I got to this particular point in my battle or if there is one particular reason that keeps me fighting. I do know that I have thousands of tiny reasons, my immediate family and friends at the forefront, to keep moving forward. I am blessed by them and thankful for them every day and I will keep fighting to hopefully help someone else out there that may be struggling. Faith has never let me down, but that is not something that can be taught. You have to feel at one with it and trust in Him from the depth of your soul. He is always watching and where you are is where you are supposed to be. Please keep getting back up.

I wish...

I wish I could have met her She was his first best friend I wish she could have blessed them With children that were kin I wish I could mend a heart One tiny piece at a time I wish I knew the secret I would start with mending mine I wish my heart were whole Because then I could do more good I could piece other's hearts together Like a puzzle made of wood I wouldn't have to wish anymore I could make a difference in so many I wish I could touch all the broken hearts I wish there were not any

When Life Gives You Grief...

     I am not saying that it is my favorite thing to do, but grieving is very cleansing for the soul.  Everyone needs a good cry every now and again, including men.  Although, my husband has said in the past that he has always been afraid to start crying for fear that he may never stop.  I have had those cries as well and only stopped because I had depleted my fluids in the flood that had occurred.
     I do think that there is a misconception about grief, in that we only grieve when there is a significant loss of a loved one, friend or even a cherished pet.  I have now come to the understanding that one of the reasons that we are so "unhappy" as human beings is because we grieve every day over something.  You may not realize that you are grieving, which is the main reason that grief isn't purged from your system so that you may move forward to healing.  I have grieved so very deeply that I actually felt a tiny part of my soul shredded from the whole of me sliver by sliver as if someone took a cheese grater to deepest part of my heart.  This pain came from the loss of my children, the physical loss of them but I have grieved the spiritual loss of them ever since.  I grieve the could-have-beens, the should-have-beens and the what-ifs of them.
     I grieve for my 8 year old struggling so hard to read and comprehend that there is pain behind her eyes.  I grieve for the loss of others because I know the pain they feel.  I grieve for the poor and misguided decisions of loved ones and the pain that it is causing.  I grieve for the relationships I have never had the privilege to know because someone was taken too soon.  I grieve for those that don't seem to have the strength to make themselves better or never learned to forgive.  I even grieve over the fact that I can't grieve for everyone and that I have to shut some of it out so that it leaves what I need to care for myself and my family.  I grieve for so many things that it does sometimes get me down, but what I have learned is that if you aren't grieving over something or someone it means that you haven't loved or cared deeply enough.  Grief is the gift that lets you know how blessed you really are.  You were blessed to love so much that it nearly killed you when you lost that love.
     So rejoice in the love that you felt, feel the warmth creep back into your soul and keep searching for that big love if you haven't found it yet.  When life gives you grief, embrace it, face it and keep moving forward so that you can live while you are alive and recognize the blessings been given.  Just remember that you aren't the only one, everyone is faced with struggle and the odds are good that someone else is grieving your pain with you.  Release it to Him.