Monday, January 21, 2013
I wish...
I wish I could have met her
She was his first best friend
I wish she could have blessed them
With children that were kin
I wish I could mend a heart
One tiny piece at a time
I wish I knew the secret
I would start with mending mine
I wish my heart were whole
Because then I could do more good
I could piece other's hearts together
Like a puzzle made of wood
I wouldn't have to wish anymore
I could make a difference in so many
I wish I could touch all the broken hearts
I wish there were not any
Saturday, September 22, 2012
When Life Gives You Grief...
I am not saying that it is my favorite thing to do, but grieving is very cleansing for the soul. Everyone needs a good cry every now and again, including men. Although, my husband has said in the past that he has always been afraid to start crying for fear that he may never stop. I have had those cries as well and only stopped because I had depleted my fluids in the flood that had occurred.
I do think that there is a misconception about grief, in that we only grieve when there is a significant loss of a loved one, friend or even a cherished pet. I have now come to the understanding that one of the reasons that we are so "unhappy" as human beings is because we grieve every day over something. You may not realize that you are grieving, which is the main reason that grief isn't purged from your system so that you may move forward to healing. I have grieved so very deeply that I actually felt a tiny part of my soul shredded from the whole of me sliver by sliver as if someone took a cheese grater to deepest part of my heart. This pain came from the loss of my children, the physical loss of them but I have grieved the spiritual loss of them ever since. I grieve the could-have-beens, the should-have-beens and the what-ifs of them.
I grieve for my 8 year old struggling so hard to read and comprehend that there is pain behind her eyes. I grieve for the loss of others because I know the pain they feel. I grieve for the poor and misguided decisions of loved ones and the pain that it is causing. I grieve for the relationships I have never had the privilege to know because someone was taken too soon. I grieve for those that don't seem to have the strength to make themselves better or never learned to forgive. I even grieve over the fact that I can't grieve for everyone and that I have to shut some of it out so that it leaves what I need to care for myself and my family. I grieve for so many things that it does sometimes get me down, but what I have learned is that if you aren't grieving over something or someone it means that you haven't loved or cared deeply enough. Grief is the gift that lets you know how blessed you really are. You were blessed to love so much that it nearly killed you when you lost that love.
So rejoice in the love that you felt, feel the warmth creep back into your soul and keep searching for that big love if you haven't found it yet. When life gives you grief, embrace it, face it and keep moving forward so that you can live while you are alive and recognize the blessings been given. Just remember that you aren't the only one, everyone is faced with struggle and the odds are good that someone else is grieving your pain with you. Release it to Him.
I do think that there is a misconception about grief, in that we only grieve when there is a significant loss of a loved one, friend or even a cherished pet. I have now come to the understanding that one of the reasons that we are so "unhappy" as human beings is because we grieve every day over something. You may not realize that you are grieving, which is the main reason that grief isn't purged from your system so that you may move forward to healing. I have grieved so very deeply that I actually felt a tiny part of my soul shredded from the whole of me sliver by sliver as if someone took a cheese grater to deepest part of my heart. This pain came from the loss of my children, the physical loss of them but I have grieved the spiritual loss of them ever since. I grieve the could-have-beens, the should-have-beens and the what-ifs of them.
I grieve for my 8 year old struggling so hard to read and comprehend that there is pain behind her eyes. I grieve for the loss of others because I know the pain they feel. I grieve for the poor and misguided decisions of loved ones and the pain that it is causing. I grieve for the relationships I have never had the privilege to know because someone was taken too soon. I grieve for those that don't seem to have the strength to make themselves better or never learned to forgive. I even grieve over the fact that I can't grieve for everyone and that I have to shut some of it out so that it leaves what I need to care for myself and my family. I grieve for so many things that it does sometimes get me down, but what I have learned is that if you aren't grieving over something or someone it means that you haven't loved or cared deeply enough. Grief is the gift that lets you know how blessed you really are. You were blessed to love so much that it nearly killed you when you lost that love.
So rejoice in the love that you felt, feel the warmth creep back into your soul and keep searching for that big love if you haven't found it yet. When life gives you grief, embrace it, face it and keep moving forward so that you can live while you are alive and recognize the blessings been given. Just remember that you aren't the only one, everyone is faced with struggle and the odds are good that someone else is grieving your pain with you. Release it to Him.
Friday, August 31, 2012
DJ (Donnie, Jr.) - May 7, 2008
I seemed to have gotten quite sidetracked in my story line, but I do tend to follow my heart in pretty much everything that I do. This is exactly the reason why I wouldn't leave my husband alone about trying again. I had an unrelenting, burning, searing, neverending NEED to be pregnant again. I couldn't explain it, especially not to him. He didn't want to understand it, because he knew I couldn't handle another loss. I on the other hand kept telling him I would be fine. I have the girls now and it can't be as bad as the other two times, I have done it twice now, I am practically an expert on losing a child...a pro, I could write a book! Riiiiigggghhht!! I just could not believe that it could happen again. The odds were so completely crazy and how could God even think of putting us through that again. It just wasn't going to happen. And once again, it wasn't my plan that ended up in the playbook.
We got pregnant right away, of course, because this was our curse. We could get pregnant by touching the tips of our fingers to one another. We were excited, apprehensive of course, but I was determined to enjoy every bit of the pregnancy. My girls were excited as well and we started all of the talk of the baby being in Mommy's tummy and why they didn't come out of my tummy and all of the other usual talk that happens until...
That time came when we had to go for the dreaded ultrasound. We knew exactly what we were looking for and could spot it a mile away. It didn't look good and we were certain it had happened again before the doctor ever came back to the tiny room that stood between us and our dream. There was one thing on the screen that we hadn't seen before. You guessed it, it was a boy! Every man's pride to have a son of his own and every mother's special boy and ours was very sick.
We didn't even have to discuss our plan, it had been decided before we ever made our ultrasound appointment, but once I knew it was a boy I couldn't stick to the plan. All I wanted was to give my husband a son, a tiny Donnie with great big blue eyes. I couldn't make the decision to terminate even though I knew the outcome. I was so torn between what I wanted, what I needed, what the rest of the family wanted and having to make the decision at all. It wasn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. How could He let this happen and why did He put it on my heart to get pregnant again?
I was SO angry and I couldn't think straight or sideways or crossways or any other way. I cried and I cussed and I cussed and I cried and the girls who I loved so much didn't take the pain away. What was I thinking? I couldn't handle this again. I didn't handle it very well the first two times it happened, what made this any different? But, after much deliberation and soul sucking, I decided it would be too hard on me to stay pregnant and so unfair to my girls if the baby lived but needed full time care. Their future was at stake as well and I couldn't do that to them, so we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we did with Kadyn's.
I know that God laid his hands on me the day that I went to the hospital because I had such a peace about me and felt so relaxed and at one with my decision. I focused on my girls and making sure that they understood to the best of their ability what was truly happening. Baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us and Mommy may be sad for a little while, but that being sad was perfectly ok and crying was allowed. But the girls didn't cry and they weren't sad. They were proud of their little brother and thought that he looked like an angel in his tiny gown. They held him and kissed him and told him they loved him and I told him I was sorry. Sorry for needing him so much and sorry that he couldn't stay.
I let him go that day along with so many other things that I couldn't control and I tried my best to get through the day, hour by hour minute by minute. Breathing in and out because I had to, but not necessarily because I wanted to. I stayed very angry at God and wasn't shy about letting Him know it until that day in June, the day that my Mom called me and another miracle began to bloom.
We got pregnant right away, of course, because this was our curse. We could get pregnant by touching the tips of our fingers to one another. We were excited, apprehensive of course, but I was determined to enjoy every bit of the pregnancy. My girls were excited as well and we started all of the talk of the baby being in Mommy's tummy and why they didn't come out of my tummy and all of the other usual talk that happens until...
That time came when we had to go for the dreaded ultrasound. We knew exactly what we were looking for and could spot it a mile away. It didn't look good and we were certain it had happened again before the doctor ever came back to the tiny room that stood between us and our dream. There was one thing on the screen that we hadn't seen before. You guessed it, it was a boy! Every man's pride to have a son of his own and every mother's special boy and ours was very sick.
We didn't even have to discuss our plan, it had been decided before we ever made our ultrasound appointment, but once I knew it was a boy I couldn't stick to the plan. All I wanted was to give my husband a son, a tiny Donnie with great big blue eyes. I couldn't make the decision to terminate even though I knew the outcome. I was so torn between what I wanted, what I needed, what the rest of the family wanted and having to make the decision at all. It wasn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. How could He let this happen and why did He put it on my heart to get pregnant again?
I was SO angry and I couldn't think straight or sideways or crossways or any other way. I cried and I cussed and I cussed and I cried and the girls who I loved so much didn't take the pain away. What was I thinking? I couldn't handle this again. I didn't handle it very well the first two times it happened, what made this any different? But, after much deliberation and soul sucking, I decided it would be too hard on me to stay pregnant and so unfair to my girls if the baby lived but needed full time care. Their future was at stake as well and I couldn't do that to them, so we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we did with Kadyn's.
I know that God laid his hands on me the day that I went to the hospital because I had such a peace about me and felt so relaxed and at one with my decision. I focused on my girls and making sure that they understood to the best of their ability what was truly happening. Baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us and Mommy may be sad for a little while, but that being sad was perfectly ok and crying was allowed. But the girls didn't cry and they weren't sad. They were proud of their little brother and thought that he looked like an angel in his tiny gown. They held him and kissed him and told him they loved him and I told him I was sorry. Sorry for needing him so much and sorry that he couldn't stay.
I let him go that day along with so many other things that I couldn't control and I tried my best to get through the day, hour by hour minute by minute. Breathing in and out because I had to, but not necessarily because I wanted to. I stayed very angry at God and wasn't shy about letting Him know it until that day in June, the day that my Mom called me and another miracle began to bloom.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
See You As I See
Can you come over here
And just melt into me
Can you take a look through my eyes
And see you as I see
Look into your perfect blue eyes
With which you see your children with joy
Touch your perfect hands
With which you caress all our souls
Feel your perfect mended heart
At one time sealed with the tar of pain
Hear your soothing voice
That clears my sky from all rain
Know your strength and your loss
So undeserved and tragic at best
Accept your blessings been given
And don't dwell on the rest
You are meant to be happy
And you've done nothing wrong
In this life we will struggle
But the world WILL hear our song
Love you.
And just melt into me
Can you take a look through my eyes
And see you as I see
Look into your perfect blue eyes
With which you see your children with joy
Touch your perfect hands
With which you caress all our souls
Feel your perfect mended heart
At one time sealed with the tar of pain
Hear your soothing voice
That clears my sky from all rain
Know your strength and your loss
So undeserved and tragic at best
Accept your blessings been given
And don't dwell on the rest
You are meant to be happy
And you've done nothing wrong
In this life we will struggle
But the world WILL hear our song
Love you.
Monday, August 6, 2012
What, How, Where, Who...He
What do you do when hope isn't enough
What do you do when you're almost out of trust
How do you cope with all of the pain
How do you know the prayers aren't in vain
Where do you turn when you can't stand alone
Where is the hand that you need to hold
Who is to blame for so much gone bad
Who can you name to pick up the tab
He is the light which you need to seek
He is the prize at the top of the peak
You have the strength, for He placed it within
You keep the faith that led you to Him
We will lift you up with praise and with prayer
We will never you let you down, we will always be there
What do you do when you're almost out of trust
How do you cope with all of the pain
How do you know the prayers aren't in vain
Where do you turn when you can't stand alone
Where is the hand that you need to hold
Who is to blame for so much gone bad
Who can you name to pick up the tab
He is the light which you need to seek
He is the prize at the top of the peak
You have the strength, for He placed it within
You keep the faith that led you to Him
We will lift you up with praise and with prayer
We will never you let you down, we will always be there
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I'm not THAT strong
I have been very occupied with worrying about some specific families in our area lately and the trials they are having to endure. It has kind of consumed me and made me take a look at my journey and though my sacrifices were many, how blessed I really am.
I know how to lay my first born to rest in the grave beside the sister-n-law I was never privileged to meet.
I know how to have my second born cremated and see her urn on my piano every day when I wake up.
I know how to explain to my daughters why baby brother isn't coming home with us and look on in awe of them as they take in the full meaning of life and death.
What I know I can't do is watch my child suffer every day and stand by because there is nothing I can do.
Kaelynn lived for 3 days and it was the most pain I had ever felt, not being able to help her breath, watching all of the monitors flashing and chiming when something was wrong, worrying every second that this breath would be her last. It took almost the entire 3 days for me to realize that she was just waiting for me to tell her it was ok, it was ok that she had to go and that I understood that she needed me to hold her when she did.
I have said often that God blessed me by taking them to live with him, because he knew that I couldn't watch them be sick. He knew I wasn't that strong, because I don't know where that strength comes from. It has to come from a place so deep that it almost turns you inside out because you know that you have to stay strong for them. You have to put on that brave face for them and the rest of the family, because you are the glue that holds that house of cards in place. They know that as long as Mommy is still smiling everything will be ok.
I praise you.
I pray for you.
May God Bless You!
I know how to lay my first born to rest in the grave beside the sister-n-law I was never privileged to meet.
I know how to have my second born cremated and see her urn on my piano every day when I wake up.
I know how to explain to my daughters why baby brother isn't coming home with us and look on in awe of them as they take in the full meaning of life and death.
What I know I can't do is watch my child suffer every day and stand by because there is nothing I can do.
Kaelynn lived for 3 days and it was the most pain I had ever felt, not being able to help her breath, watching all of the monitors flashing and chiming when something was wrong, worrying every second that this breath would be her last. It took almost the entire 3 days for me to realize that she was just waiting for me to tell her it was ok, it was ok that she had to go and that I understood that she needed me to hold her when she did.
I have said often that God blessed me by taking them to live with him, because he knew that I couldn't watch them be sick. He knew I wasn't that strong, because I don't know where that strength comes from. It has to come from a place so deep that it almost turns you inside out because you know that you have to stay strong for them. You have to put on that brave face for them and the rest of the family, because you are the glue that holds that house of cards in place. They know that as long as Mommy is still smiling everything will be ok.
I praise you.
I pray for you.
May God Bless You!
Friday, July 13, 2012
No More Words
Our own shooting Star
And my saving Grace
A troubled life and questions asked
She finally found her place
We can never repay her precious gift
The boy, our son, funny little brother
From her heart to ours
From Mother to Mother
God knew all along
Two seeds planted by His hand
Hers destined for us
And ours just part of the Plan
My heart is filled with so much joy
To see her with the happiness she deserves
God's GIFT for her sacrifice
It leaves me with no more words
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