This Has Been Hard

     I definitely haven't led a charmed life, but I have had a blessed life.  I am old enough and have been through enough hard times to realize this now.  Having two surgeries a month apart, a scare of a malignant tumor with the unknown of what was to come while having 3 kids under the age of 12 and a full time job to worry with has been hard!  I have done some hard things in my life, but they usually involved me thinking of someone other than myself.  Let me just think about what I have endured over the past 12 years...
     I have had to come to terms with the fact that the baby that I was carrying may not survive the birthing process and would probably be seriously deformed.  I had to carry that baby girl for a month and a half after finding out that she would die either during or soon after birth, which involved feeling her kick and move inside my belly every day of that month and a half.  My husband and I then had to sign a DNR for that sweet baby girl who not only survived birth but lived for 3 days despite all of the doctors' predictions.  No one should have to sign a DNR for their loved one, but especially not their new born child, which was also the first born grandchild on both sides of our family.  I then endured the viewing and funeral of our 3 day old, which nearly undid me.
     I have been through a miscarriage.  I have been through two more labors of tiny babies that didn't survive.  I had to explain to my 5 year old twins that their baby brother was very sick and would not be coming home from the hospital with us.  I had to watch as they held him and deemed him an Angel.  We have a small graveyard of urns on our piano, along with pictures and tributes to our family lost, which in our home isn't strange...it just is.
   We have been through 2 very stressful adoption processes and the raising of premature twins that didn't sleep for months on end.  I have had to watch one of those twins struggle every day in school because of delays due to the cocaine put in her system by her birth mother.  I am the mother of a child on the Autism Spectrum, which comes with giant challenges, tiny victories, massive worry, much wonder, growing knowledge and thankful blessings.
     I am a wife, which takes position after mother as the hardest job on the planet.  Marriage is trying, marriage is fulfilling, marriage is a blessing and marriage is just hard.  It is hard when you don't have extenuating circumstances and it is hard when you don't have struggles, but throw in a few dead babies, sprinkle them with very expensive adoptions and then serve them with a side of depression layered with fibromyalgia and anxiety...and you have a recipe for disaster.  Our time together has required patience, love, strength, belief, forgiveness, anger, passion, faith, hope, faith, grace, help and did I mention FAITH?
  So now we get to our present situation.  This has been hard, painful, trying, expensive and most of all downright uncomfortable.  That is the best way to describe me at any given moment recently...uncomfortable.  But I realized something.  At every uncomfortable stage in my past twelve years has also been change.  Bad change, good change, debilitating change, transforming change, but all the same change.  Uncomfortableness (that is now a word) causes you to move, or stay still, or scream, or ask why and all of that causes you to learn.
     I learned that I could overcome grief, that I could change my physical self, that I could change our family's health, that I could follow my dreams, that I am strong, that I can become stronger, that I can learn more and that I can help other people through the knowledge of my pain.  So I have embraced the grief, the pain, the uncomfortable, the scary, the strange and the different that is our family.
     God has known every test that we would take and has prepared us every step of the way.  I have also learned that you can't take care of those that need you if you don't take care of yourself.  If I hadn't changed me, I never would have been strong enough to overcome this latest challenge.  I am not completely healed, but try hard every day, cry when I need to and am thankful for my support system.
     Keep getting back up, search for that which makes you uncomfortable and then show it who is boss!

The Lord Is My Song

You may see my cry
And my smile may fade

But I don't plan to give up
And my Faith it won't take

For God has lent me his Strength
And gives me Grace every day

Because this road will be long
And the pain Piper needs his pay

Pain is a familiar place for me
But usually of the grieving kind

So this pain can be Conquered
I just have to get right in my mind

For the Lord is my Strength
And the Lord is my Song

I will have Faith and will Fight
And I will be Healed before long

His Clock

How does He choose
what kind of mother you'll be

A mother who grieves
Or a mother of three

Maybe you are both
And lucky like me

Blessed to give birth
to tiny Angels above

And chosen on Earth
For special babies needing love

I've tried to come to terms
with what I did or didn't do

I've bargained and pleaded
for my dreams to come true

I've hoped and I've prayed
I've laughed and I've cried

I've felt my heart break
I've been afraid I might die

This life that I live is
fueled by my Faith

These choices are for Him,
but up to me to make

So I've learned that all things
come on His clock

But His love never ends
His love never stops

So keep believing and praying
and living for Him

For He is the way
and the healing within.

I Don't Go Down Easy

I don't have any answers
And I can't tell you why.

I can say I am fighting
But I also may cry.

I don't understand all my struggles
And I grow tired of being strong.

Have I been so displeasing?
My life decisions so wrong?

All I know is to keep Faith
And trust always in Him.

My prayers have always been answered
Just not when I thought I needed them.

I know this is just another piece in my puzzle
And I realize my journey has been rougher than some.

But I always get up and never lose Hope.
This is just another hurdle I will overcome.

I don't go down easy
And I fight like a girl.

I have a lot of light left
And plan to shine bright in this world.

Tie a Knot at the End

Grief - it is true and it is real
It doesn't lie, but it sure can steal

It can take your hope, your love and your will
It can strip you of the ability to feel

It may not lie, but can lay heavy on your soul
A crushing weight that can make a hole

The hole can be deep and spread for miles wide
Even your family and friends can get trapped inside

All of this can happen, but don't allow it to remain
You have to find your light that outshines the pain

Look to Him and use His strength if you have none
Keep your eyes on Him and feel the warmth of His Son

You are braver than you feel and stronger than you know
Don't forget the one you lost, but let the loss of them go

Hang on tight to your rope of hope and tie a knot at the end
You may slip and it may burn, but remember this my friend

Love is not what let you down, but instead lifted you up
You wouldn't feel so empty now if they hadn't filled your cup

Cherish their gift and the blessings they bestowed
For the love they gave you is so much more than some will ever know.

Your Tiny One

The tiny life that grew inside
A greater love you'll never find

There are no words to heal your pain
There are no words that can explain

The loss you feel is very real
The weight will lift and you WILL heal

This is no one's fault and don't take the blame
It is God's perfect plan but it hurts just the same

Keep the love but let the loss in
You have to grieve or the pain will win

Don't lose sight of the others you love
Don't give up and keep looking above

For now you have a place being saved just for you
Now you are Mommy no matter what else you do

And your tiny one will wait with family gone before
They will all be there with open arms when you knock on Heaven's door

This Is Your Race

I cry for you now, but it won't last very long
No time for that - we are way too strong

There is nothing that you can't overcome
Every fight isn't to be won, but the battle has just begun

So you dig in at the start of this race
There is no other you, you can't be replaced

God has given us the sign it will all be OK
Let us open our hearts for He knows the way

Life is so short, we're only here for awhile
So you have to decide "where's my place, what's my style"

But I think you're here to sparkle and glow
I think you're here so others will know

They will see your light, so don't let it dim
They will feel your strength and know it's from Him

So eyes turned to Heaven and heart filled with Grace
We are all here behind you, but this is Your Race.