Just when you thought the ride was over...

There is another loop-de-loop to turn your stomach. So, the doctors and genetic specialist never discouraged us from trying to get pregnant again and I,of course, wanted to be as soon as possible. I am the ultimate optimist and firm believer of everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok! I have learned the very hard lesson, however, that everything is not always ok and sometimes things can turn straight to ka-ka in the blink of an eye.
My husband would have done just about anything to "make it better" at this point, so he agreed to try right away. As previously mentioned, getting pregnant is not a problem for us so it again only took one try. I was really in no shape, mentally or physically, to be pregnant and unfortanetely sufferer a miscarriage. My doctor insisted on performing a d&c (sp?).
I felt compelled to share this part of our story because so many people don't understand the pain of a miscarriage. One would think that since I had just experienced such a terrible loss, a miscarriage wouldn't be too unnerving...this would not be the case. My miscarriage was an even bigger slap in the face. This pregnancy was supposed to be my comeback, I had everything on red and was letting her ride. I just knew God wouldn't give me more heartache. I had been through so much already, he wouldn't put more on me than I could take. Little did I know, my rope is apparently so long that even if I wanted to tie it to something and hang myself, the other end doesn't exist.

The reason the loss of a child is so damn hard, is because he/she isn't just that beautiful face, the cutest tiny hands and toes or a part of you and your husband innertwined, they are you hopes...dreams...aspirations and future! Everything that you never had or never got to do in your childhood, you wish for them. You want to be able to provide them as much of the world as is possible and show them the beauty in this sometimes ugly place.
We as women can love that egg and sperm so deeply before they are even united. Definitely something that men don't understand. My husband could just detach himself from each pregnancy (yes there will be more). I didn't have that option. I was linked and in love from the time I saw positive on the pregnancy test, even before I felt any real affects of the pregnancy at all. That is just how I am wired and I couldn't turn it off. I am still a little jealous of my husband that he has that little treasure chest in the far corner of his mind where everything is kept locked away, but not as if it never happened, just not to be taken out and sorted through as I often do daily.

Kaelynn 3/26/02-3/29/02

My biggest inspiration for this blog is our first angel that flew away to Heaven. She is especially on my mind this time of year and Valentine's Day is always a little sad for us. It was that day 10 years ago that we found out something was wrong with our very first pregnancy and the very first grandbaby on both sides. It was also the very first day of a long journey that would change us all forever.
I was 6 months pregnant and apparently had a much larger belly than I should have had. The doctor knew something was wrong as soon as he touched the ultrasound to my stomach. Our tiny miracle was just floating around in what looked like gallons of amniotic fluid. He was so concerned that we drove directly to the advanced ultrasound center there in town, me crying the whole way, and then had to wait for what seemed like days. After the ultrasound was performed they wouldn't tell us anything, of course, and had to return home not knowing what was going on. We ended up (not for two weeks) at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando where they performed a very silent and solemn ultrasound. When the team of 4 doctors returned to the room, the first words out of one of their mouths was, "this is a fatal condition". It worsened from there as I only heard bits and pieces of information through my sobs; like cleft palate, 6 fingers and toes, dwarf, brain damage, extremely small rib cage, heart problems, liver failure, can't survive birth! This wasn't happening to us, it had to be a nightmare. We had never known of anything like this on either side of the families and where this particular Syndrome was seen most often was in an Amish village in Pennsylvania. I am a half Spic born in Venezuela for goodness sake and my husband was born in Florida, how could we both carry this very rare recessive gene and both put out one at the same time in order to make such a sick baby girl. It was a 75% chance of having a healthy baby and as the Genetics Counselor said it, "the lottery you don't want to win".
So at this stage in the pregnancy I was too far along to do anything but wait to go into labor, which didn't happen for another month and a half. I looked like I was about to explode at any moment and couldn't go anywhere for someone asking me when I was due or what I was having. I was having a still born child with nothing but deformities and I didn't know if I would even be able to look at her for fear of her appearance. Could I still love her? Would I be able to hold her? Was I less of a woman because I couldn't give my husband a child? My in-laws had already lost their 16 year old daughter and now I couldn't give them a healthy grandchild. I felt like it was all my fault and I had done everything right...I didn't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. I read about what I was supposed to be eating and doing at every stage of my pregnancy and I was taking folic acid before I even conceived. It took us one try to get pregnant, which later we would find out was a curse instead of a blessing.
Why could drug addicts pop out kids like a pez dispenser and not even care about them? How many pregnant women had I seen with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other? What had I done that was so wrong to deserve this? Our baby never asked to be born and now she was sick and I couldn't do anything about it. I would just breath in and out every day for the next month and a half, feeling her kick and move inside me, trying not to love her too much so it wasn't so painful when she died, if she ever lived outside my womb at all.
My delivery was very fast and extremely hectic with my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the nurse talking to her, she had survived the birthing process that they everything but promised us would kill her. She was alert and responsive and definitely knew who her momma was. She was perfect and beautiful to me, no matter how many obstacles she faced. She was stubborn enough to live 3 days because her heart was very strong and she was waiting for me to hold her when she passed.
I didn't think that I could do it and said that I didn't want to be in the room when she took her final breath, but every time she would start to fail and I would leave, she would suddenly start breathing again and her color would return to normal. I knew in my heart that she needed me there to let her know it was ok to go. We all ended up being there when she left and it was eternally more peaceful than I could ever have imagined. I was blessed to give her life and blessed to feel her life exhale to the beyond. Her existence and demise was only but the beginning of love and suffering for our family, but she will always live in my soul and she will welcome me to Heaven when my time comes.

If you can't say something nice...say SOMETHING

Even if you don't know what to say to me, saying anything is better than not acknowledging my loss at all. I already feel like the world just keeps on turning even though I can barely drag myself out of bed. No one seems to care that my reason for living is now a pile of ashes nestled in an angel urn on my mantle. I need to know that you care and that although you don't have a full grasp on the intensity of my pain, you still realize that it is real. So real and enveloping that I can't always talk about it and that right now I have bad days and really bad days.
The pain will lessen as time goes on, but I am not the same person I used to be. Life has taken on a new meaning for me and I won't have use for some of the nonsense that this world has to offer. I am a little more self aware and have a very strong sense of self preservation, which means I may seem selfish at times, but don't mean to hurt your feelings. I am not broken, however, and can tell when you are avoiding me. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable around me, but none of this was my fault and I am doing the best I can. I breath in and out hoping for God's peace to fill my heart a little more each day.
Please let me talk when I need to and don't keep me from crying, it is good for the soul.

Don't hate me because I am grieving

Dedicated to my friend Michelle S. having a hard time...

I can't come to your baby shower and act like everything is ok when my insides feel like they are being fed through a shredder. I can't come to your little sweet one's 2nd birthday party and smile and have cake when my angel would have been 2 in a couple of days. I can't open Christmas presents with your kids after I just cried for two hours because I don't have kids of my own to wrap for. I can't say any of these things out loud because you will think that I am a horrible person. You will think that I am not happy for the blessings everyone else has received when I can't be happy about anything right now.
Everywhere I go, there is a pregnant woman pushing a stroller. Around every corner, there is a sweet little face giggling and it is like nails on a chalkboard. It seems as if EVERY ONE of my friends is pregnant or just had a baby. Perfect strangers are making movies just to make ME cry!
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't even want to talk to my best friend who always makes me feel better. I don't want to feel better...HELL, I don't know what I want! I just need it not to hurt so much.

Remember that moment?

That moment right before your world came to a stop. That happy moment right before your world turned upside down. One second everything is right with the world and the next second, you can't breath. Give it back, you didn't just steal the very life that allows me to live. You can't have my heart, I need it inside my chest. What did I do to deserve such pain and what can I do to make it stop hurting?? WHY??????? I don't understand any of this and no one else understands how that feels. Is it possible for any more tears to fall? I must be dehyrated by now, but I can't stop crying.

Stupid things NOT to say to a grieving person

Keep in mind that most of these statements are more than likely true in the long run and not meant to be hurtful, but as discussed previously, the grieving brain does not function the same as it did before the grief set in.  When you are newly grieving, nothing anyone says is going to make you feel any better, but that doesn't mean that you can't listen to and then ignore everyone's "helpful" statements.  So, let's jump right in...

 1.  Everything is going to be ok - This may eventually become true, but right now in this moment, "ok" is so far removed that it's mailing address is in Timbuktu.  You feel like you could live a thousand years and it never be "ok".  What does that even mean?  You would even take slightly less than "ok" right now if it would make any of the pain go away. 

2.  They are in a better place - So...yes, they are definitely in a better place than this trash can that we live in, but there could be no better place than right there beside you or cradled in your arms.  We are selfish and we want that person we lost in the same place where we are, not in Heaven. 

3.  You need to (fill in the blank) - The only thing you NEED to do is breath in and out.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you NEED to do whatever it is that makes your process easier. 

4.  I  understand how you feel - Yeah, I don't think that ya do!  I don't even understand how I feel, how could anyone else possibly understand this muddle of emotions that are going on inside of me?

5.  This is part of God's plan - Well you know what?...God's plan SUCKS sometimes and I don't have to like it and I sure don't understand it.  There were probably a dozen other ways that the plan could have played out that would have to be better than this.

Don't get me wrong, God has given back the blessings that were taken away and I know that the "plan" is not mine and not necessarily the one I would have chosen but the plan none the less.  My faith has brought me to this place and my hope takes me beyond that a little more each day.  Talking about the anger and the hurt does help and having someone to just listen is a huge blessing.  I am thankful for all of the people in my life who have done that for me.  I pray you find someone too.

Grieving...it's what's for dinner,

and for breakfast and lunch.  It won't let you eat or it makes you eat too much.  It creeps into your sleep and invades your dreams.  It trys to drown you in the shower and blocks out the sun on the hottest day.  It clouds your mind so you can't even remember what you just said, but you remember that moment when there was no breath or sign of the one you loved in that lifeless vessel that you held in your arms like it just happened...because you keep reliving it even when you don't want to or try to block it out and act like it never happened.  But it did, it did happen and you have so many questions that they weigh you down like a wet blanket that you can't entangle from.  Why did this happen to me?  Why did it happen right now?  Why do these things happen at all?  Isn't this something that you read happened to someone else in a far away place; it doesn't happen to me??
Everyone else goes on about their business like the world hasn't ended.  Don't they know my life has stopped?  Can't they feel my pain radiating out from me trying to reach them all?  You say and do things that you normally wouldn't and it is usually to the ones that are dearest to you.  You can't stop yourself and you can see and hear a tiny version of yourself in the back of your head screaming STOP, why are saying those things?  Your mind doesn't respond because your brain doesn't work properly anymore.  There are too many misfires to count and there is sometimes no communication between your brain and your other functions.  You don't care if other people's feelings get hurt because deep down in that very "human" place, you want everyone else to feel the way you feel.  Your insides ache and burn and feel empty at the same time.  Your limbs each way 1,000 pounds and just won't move the way they should and your heart...your heart at first feels this great crushing, like someone is squeezing and squeezing trying to get it to pop but it just holds on and then you feel it break.  You actually feel it never being the same and the hole that is there and over time things and people will happen in your life that fill it little by little but it will never completely close.  It will always be searching for that piece that got lost and the answers that may never come.