If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
Like the river rushing furiously to unite with the sea
I would drown the doubt and anger until it choked and couldn't be
If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
Blocking out the rain, the hurt, the shame and cold
I would lift the weight and burden like a rising puff of smoke
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Sifting through the sludge to obtain what has been lost
Until your mind runs clear and the demons have been tossed
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Really??
I am sure that you have learned by now that I am anything but a quitter. Thick-headed, one-track minded and a little stupid, yes, but quitter no. I just had this overwhelming feeling of everything is going to work out, it is all going to be ok and above all...I HAD to get pregnant again. It was only a 25% chance that it would happen again and those odds were lowered even more by the fact that it had already happened once. The odds were good and everyone was on board. My husband and I just have to look at each other and we get pregnant, so that was again not a problem. All my levels were good and everything in the early stages were fine as before. At between 16 and 18 weeks we went for the dreaded ultrasound. I was nothing but positive and wore my pink shirt in hopes of another girl. That was the only wish that came true that day.
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
It's Been A Day
March is never a good month, Kaelynn was born and died in that month. It has been 10 years and my body still remembers every emotion and feeling. I am happy with my life and I love my kids and I have a wonderful husband who loves my kids, but damn it still hurts! I still find myself making sure that I am not too happy, because that means something bad might happen. I think that my husband and I both hold back just a little on loving each other and the kids because if we love them too much, they may be taken away. I get so upset with them sometimes if they roughhouse too much because the mere thought of them being injured is almost more than I can handle. Then I think, God wouldn't take them from me. I had to work too hard to get them. Of course I didn't think he would allow me to have three of my own pass away either. What do I know? I am obviously not making the rules around here.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What now?
I look back at our journey and really wonder how I even got out of bed every day or why I thought I should. My greatest wish was never going to come true. I had always known that I wanted kids and once I met my husband, I wanted nothing more than to have his kids. Our beautiful children with gourgeous almond shaped blue eyes and curly hair. I would never look into those eyes and see a little part of myself. I would never have to tame that unruly hair and remember how much I hated it as a kid.
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Just when you thought the ride was over...
There is another loop-de-loop to turn your stomach. So, the doctors and genetic specialist never discouraged us from trying to get pregnant again and I,of course, wanted to be as soon as possible. I am the ultimate optimist and firm believer of everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok! I have learned the very hard lesson, however, that everything is not always ok and sometimes things can turn straight to ka-ka in the blink of an eye.
My husband would have done just about anything to "make it better" at this point, so he agreed to try right away. As previously mentioned, getting pregnant is not a problem for us so it again only took one try. I was really in no shape, mentally or physically, to be pregnant and unfortanetely sufferer a miscarriage. My doctor insisted on performing a d&c (sp?).
I felt compelled to share this part of our story because so many people don't understand the pain of a miscarriage. One would think that since I had just experienced such a terrible loss, a miscarriage wouldn't be too unnerving...this would not be the case. My miscarriage was an even bigger slap in the face. This pregnancy was supposed to be my comeback, I had everything on red and was letting her ride. I just knew God wouldn't give me more heartache. I had been through so much already, he wouldn't put more on me than I could take. Little did I know, my rope is apparently so long that even if I wanted to tie it to something and hang myself, the other end doesn't exist.
The reason the loss of a child is so damn hard, is because he/she isn't just that beautiful face, the cutest tiny hands and toes or a part of you and your husband innertwined, they are you hopes...dreams...aspirations and future! Everything that you never had or never got to do in your childhood, you wish for them. You want to be able to provide them as much of the world as is possible and show them the beauty in this sometimes ugly place.
We as women can love that egg and sperm so deeply before they are even united. Definitely something that men don't understand. My husband could just detach himself from each pregnancy (yes there will be more). I didn't have that option. I was linked and in love from the time I saw positive on the pregnancy test, even before I felt any real affects of the pregnancy at all. That is just how I am wired and I couldn't turn it off. I am still a little jealous of my husband that he has that little treasure chest in the far corner of his mind where everything is kept locked away, but not as if it never happened, just not to be taken out and sorted through as I often do daily.
My husband would have done just about anything to "make it better" at this point, so he agreed to try right away. As previously mentioned, getting pregnant is not a problem for us so it again only took one try. I was really in no shape, mentally or physically, to be pregnant and unfortanetely sufferer a miscarriage. My doctor insisted on performing a d&c (sp?).
I felt compelled to share this part of our story because so many people don't understand the pain of a miscarriage. One would think that since I had just experienced such a terrible loss, a miscarriage wouldn't be too unnerving...this would not be the case. My miscarriage was an even bigger slap in the face. This pregnancy was supposed to be my comeback, I had everything on red and was letting her ride. I just knew God wouldn't give me more heartache. I had been through so much already, he wouldn't put more on me than I could take. Little did I know, my rope is apparently so long that even if I wanted to tie it to something and hang myself, the other end doesn't exist.
The reason the loss of a child is so damn hard, is because he/she isn't just that beautiful face, the cutest tiny hands and toes or a part of you and your husband innertwined, they are you hopes...dreams...aspirations and future! Everything that you never had or never got to do in your childhood, you wish for them. You want to be able to provide them as much of the world as is possible and show them the beauty in this sometimes ugly place.
We as women can love that egg and sperm so deeply before they are even united. Definitely something that men don't understand. My husband could just detach himself from each pregnancy (yes there will be more). I didn't have that option. I was linked and in love from the time I saw positive on the pregnancy test, even before I felt any real affects of the pregnancy at all. That is just how I am wired and I couldn't turn it off. I am still a little jealous of my husband that he has that little treasure chest in the far corner of his mind where everything is kept locked away, but not as if it never happened, just not to be taken out and sorted through as I often do daily.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Kaelynn 3/26/02-3/29/02
My biggest inspiration for this blog is our first angel that flew away to Heaven. She is especially on my mind this time of year and Valentine's Day is always a little sad for us. It was that day 10 years ago that we found out something was wrong with our very first pregnancy and the very first grandbaby on both sides. It was also the very first day of a long journey that would change us all forever.
I was 6 months pregnant and apparently had a much larger belly than I should have had. The doctor knew something was wrong as soon as he touched the ultrasound to my stomach. Our tiny miracle was just floating around in what looked like gallons of amniotic fluid. He was so concerned that we drove directly to the advanced ultrasound center there in town, me crying the whole way, and then had to wait for what seemed like days. After the ultrasound was performed they wouldn't tell us anything, of course, and had to return home not knowing what was going on. We ended up (not for two weeks) at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando where they performed a very silent and solemn ultrasound. When the team of 4 doctors returned to the room, the first words out of one of their mouths was, "this is a fatal condition". It worsened from there as I only heard bits and pieces of information through my sobs; like cleft palate, 6 fingers and toes, dwarf, brain damage, extremely small rib cage, heart problems, liver failure, can't survive birth! This wasn't happening to us, it had to be a nightmare. We had never known of anything like this on either side of the families and where this particular Syndrome was seen most often was in an Amish village in Pennsylvania. I am a half Spic born in Venezuela for goodness sake and my husband was born in Florida, how could we both carry this very rare recessive gene and both put out one at the same time in order to make such a sick baby girl. It was a 75% chance of having a healthy baby and as the Genetics Counselor said it, "the lottery you don't want to win".
So at this stage in the pregnancy I was too far along to do anything but wait to go into labor, which didn't happen for another month and a half. I looked like I was about to explode at any moment and couldn't go anywhere for someone asking me when I was due or what I was having. I was having a still born child with nothing but deformities and I didn't know if I would even be able to look at her for fear of her appearance. Could I still love her? Would I be able to hold her? Was I less of a woman because I couldn't give my husband a child? My in-laws had already lost their 16 year old daughter and now I couldn't give them a healthy grandchild. I felt like it was all my fault and I had done everything right...I didn't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. I read about what I was supposed to be eating and doing at every stage of my pregnancy and I was taking folic acid before I even conceived. It took us one try to get pregnant, which later we would find out was a curse instead of a blessing.
Why could drug addicts pop out kids like a pez dispenser and not even care about them? How many pregnant women had I seen with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other? What had I done that was so wrong to deserve this? Our baby never asked to be born and now she was sick and I couldn't do anything about it. I would just breath in and out every day for the next month and a half, feeling her kick and move inside me, trying not to love her too much so it wasn't so painful when she died, if she ever lived outside my womb at all.
My delivery was very fast and extremely hectic with my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the nurse talking to her, she had survived the birthing process that they everything but promised us would kill her. She was alert and responsive and definitely knew who her momma was. She was perfect and beautiful to me, no matter how many obstacles she faced. She was stubborn enough to live 3 days because her heart was very strong and she was waiting for me to hold her when she passed.
I didn't think that I could do it and said that I didn't want to be in the room when she took her final breath, but every time she would start to fail and I would leave, she would suddenly start breathing again and her color would return to normal. I knew in my heart that she needed me there to let her know it was ok to go. We all ended up being there when she left and it was eternally more peaceful than I could ever have imagined. I was blessed to give her life and blessed to feel her life exhale to the beyond. Her existence and demise was only but the beginning of love and suffering for our family, but she will always live in my soul and she will welcome me to Heaven when my time comes.
I was 6 months pregnant and apparently had a much larger belly than I should have had. The doctor knew something was wrong as soon as he touched the ultrasound to my stomach. Our tiny miracle was just floating around in what looked like gallons of amniotic fluid. He was so concerned that we drove directly to the advanced ultrasound center there in town, me crying the whole way, and then had to wait for what seemed like days. After the ultrasound was performed they wouldn't tell us anything, of course, and had to return home not knowing what was going on. We ended up (not for two weeks) at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando where they performed a very silent and solemn ultrasound. When the team of 4 doctors returned to the room, the first words out of one of their mouths was, "this is a fatal condition". It worsened from there as I only heard bits and pieces of information through my sobs; like cleft palate, 6 fingers and toes, dwarf, brain damage, extremely small rib cage, heart problems, liver failure, can't survive birth! This wasn't happening to us, it had to be a nightmare. We had never known of anything like this on either side of the families and where this particular Syndrome was seen most often was in an Amish village in Pennsylvania. I am a half Spic born in Venezuela for goodness sake and my husband was born in Florida, how could we both carry this very rare recessive gene and both put out one at the same time in order to make such a sick baby girl. It was a 75% chance of having a healthy baby and as the Genetics Counselor said it, "the lottery you don't want to win".
So at this stage in the pregnancy I was too far along to do anything but wait to go into labor, which didn't happen for another month and a half. I looked like I was about to explode at any moment and couldn't go anywhere for someone asking me when I was due or what I was having. I was having a still born child with nothing but deformities and I didn't know if I would even be able to look at her for fear of her appearance. Could I still love her? Would I be able to hold her? Was I less of a woman because I couldn't give my husband a child? My in-laws had already lost their 16 year old daughter and now I couldn't give them a healthy grandchild. I felt like it was all my fault and I had done everything right...I didn't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. I read about what I was supposed to be eating and doing at every stage of my pregnancy and I was taking folic acid before I even conceived. It took us one try to get pregnant, which later we would find out was a curse instead of a blessing.
Why could drug addicts pop out kids like a pez dispenser and not even care about them? How many pregnant women had I seen with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other? What had I done that was so wrong to deserve this? Our baby never asked to be born and now she was sick and I couldn't do anything about it. I would just breath in and out every day for the next month and a half, feeling her kick and move inside me, trying not to love her too much so it wasn't so painful when she died, if she ever lived outside my womb at all.
My delivery was very fast and extremely hectic with my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the nurse talking to her, she had survived the birthing process that they everything but promised us would kill her. She was alert and responsive and definitely knew who her momma was. She was perfect and beautiful to me, no matter how many obstacles she faced. She was stubborn enough to live 3 days because her heart was very strong and she was waiting for me to hold her when she passed.
I didn't think that I could do it and said that I didn't want to be in the room when she took her final breath, but every time she would start to fail and I would leave, she would suddenly start breathing again and her color would return to normal. I knew in my heart that she needed me there to let her know it was ok to go. We all ended up being there when she left and it was eternally more peaceful than I could ever have imagined. I was blessed to give her life and blessed to feel her life exhale to the beyond. Her existence and demise was only but the beginning of love and suffering for our family, but she will always live in my soul and she will welcome me to Heaven when my time comes.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
If you can't say something nice...say SOMETHING
Even if you don't know what to say to me, saying anything is better than not acknowledging my loss at all. I already feel like the world just keeps on turning even though I can barely drag myself out of bed. No one seems to care that my reason for living is now a pile of ashes nestled in an angel urn on my mantle. I need to know that you care and that although you don't have a full grasp on the intensity of my pain, you still realize that it is real. So real and enveloping that I can't always talk about it and that right now I have bad days and really bad days.
The pain will lessen as time goes on, but I am not the same person I used to be. Life has taken on a new meaning for me and I won't have use for some of the nonsense that this world has to offer. I am a little more self aware and have a very strong sense of self preservation, which means I may seem selfish at times, but don't mean to hurt your feelings. I am not broken, however, and can tell when you are avoiding me. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable around me, but none of this was my fault and I am doing the best I can. I breath in and out hoping for God's peace to fill my heart a little more each day.
Please let me talk when I need to and don't keep me from crying, it is good for the soul.
The pain will lessen as time goes on, but I am not the same person I used to be. Life has taken on a new meaning for me and I won't have use for some of the nonsense that this world has to offer. I am a little more self aware and have a very strong sense of self preservation, which means I may seem selfish at times, but don't mean to hurt your feelings. I am not broken, however, and can tell when you are avoiding me. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable around me, but none of this was my fault and I am doing the best I can. I breath in and out hoping for God's peace to fill my heart a little more each day.
Please let me talk when I need to and don't keep me from crying, it is good for the soul.
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