I'm not THAT strong

I have been very occupied with worrying about some specific families in our area lately and the trials they are having to endure.  It has kind of consumed me and made me take a look at my journey and though my sacrifices were many, how blessed I really am.
I know how to lay my first born to rest in the grave beside the sister-n-law I was never privileged to meet.
I know how to have my second born cremated and see her urn on my piano every day when I wake up.
I know how to explain to my daughters why baby brother isn't coming home with us and look on in awe of them as they take in the full meaning of life and death.
What I know I can't do is watch my child suffer every day and stand by because there is nothing I can do.
Kaelynn lived for 3 days and it was the most pain I had ever felt, not being able to help her breath, watching all of the monitors flashing and chiming when something was wrong, worrying every second that this breath would be her last.  It took almost the entire 3 days for me to realize that she was just waiting for me to tell her it was ok, it was ok that she had to go and that I understood that she needed me to hold her when she did.
I have said often that God blessed me by taking them to live with him, because he knew that I couldn't watch them be sick. He knew I wasn't that strong, because I don't know where that strength comes from.  It has to come from a place so deep that it almost turns you inside out because you know that you have to stay strong for them.  You have to put on that brave face for them and the rest of the family, because you are the glue that holds that house of cards in place.  They know that as long as Mommy is still smiling everything will be ok.
I praise you.
I pray for you.
May God Bless You!

No More Words

Our own shooting Star
And my saving Grace

A troubled life and questions asked
She finally found her place

We can never repay her precious gift
The boy, our son, funny little brother

From her heart to ours
From Mother to Mother

God knew all along
Two seeds planted by His hand

Hers destined for us
And ours just part of the Plan

My heart is filled with so much joy
To see her with the happiness she deserves

God's GIFT for her sacrifice
It leaves me with no more words

June 4, 2009

This is taken from my "thankful" journal.  I had this one and an "angry" journal.  It really does help to separate the two and isolate just one set of feelings at a time.

I am so much stronger than I ever wanted to be and know that I can help others with what I have learned.  I love my children so much and I am so lucky to be their mom.  I am thankful for everything that I have and all of the love that I feel.  My world can be a very happy place and I feel very secure and content in it (most of the time).