When Life Gives You Grief...

     I am not saying that it is my favorite thing to do, but grieving is very cleansing for the soul.  Everyone needs a good cry every now and again, including men.  Although, my husband has said in the past that he has always been afraid to start crying for fear that he may never stop.  I have had those cries as well and only stopped because I had depleted my fluids in the flood that had occurred.
     I do think that there is a misconception about grief, in that we only grieve when there is a significant loss of a loved one, friend or even a cherished pet.  I have now come to the understanding that one of the reasons that we are so "unhappy" as human beings is because we grieve every day over something.  You may not realize that you are grieving, which is the main reason that grief isn't purged from your system so that you may move forward to healing.  I have grieved so very deeply that I actually felt a tiny part of my soul shredded from the whole of me sliver by sliver as if someone took a cheese grater to deepest part of my heart.  This pain came from the loss of my children, the physical loss of them but I have grieved the spiritual loss of them ever since.  I grieve the could-have-beens, the should-have-beens and the what-ifs of them.
     I grieve for my 8 year old struggling so hard to read and comprehend that there is pain behind her eyes.  I grieve for the loss of others because I know the pain they feel.  I grieve for the poor and misguided decisions of loved ones and the pain that it is causing.  I grieve for the relationships I have never had the privilege to know because someone was taken too soon.  I grieve for those that don't seem to have the strength to make themselves better or never learned to forgive.  I even grieve over the fact that I can't grieve for everyone and that I have to shut some of it out so that it leaves what I need to care for myself and my family.  I grieve for so many things that it does sometimes get me down, but what I have learned is that if you aren't grieving over something or someone it means that you haven't loved or cared deeply enough.  Grief is the gift that lets you know how blessed you really are.  You were blessed to love so much that it nearly killed you when you lost that love.
     So rejoice in the love that you felt, feel the warmth creep back into your soul and keep searching for that big love if you haven't found it yet.  When life gives you grief, embrace it, face it and keep moving forward so that you can live while you are alive and recognize the blessings been given.  Just remember that you aren't the only one, everyone is faced with struggle and the odds are good that someone else is grieving your pain with you.  Release it to Him.

DJ (Donnie, Jr.) - May 7, 2008

     I seemed to have gotten quite sidetracked in my story line, but I do tend to follow my heart in pretty much everything that I do.  This is exactly the reason why I wouldn't leave my husband alone about trying again.  I had an unrelenting, burning, searing, neverending NEED to be pregnant again.  I couldn't explain it, especially not to him.  He didn't want to understand it, because he knew I couldn't handle another loss.  I on the other hand kept telling him I would be fine.  I have the girls now and it can't be as bad as the other two times, I have done it twice now, I am practically an expert on losing a child...a pro, I could write a book!  Riiiiigggghhht!!  I just could not believe that it could happen again.  The odds were so completely crazy and how could God even think of putting us through that again.  It just wasn't going to happen.  And once again, it wasn't my plan that ended up in the playbook.
     We got pregnant right away, of course, because this was our curse.  We could get pregnant by touching the tips of our fingers to one another.  We were excited, apprehensive of course, but I was determined to enjoy every bit of the pregnancy.  My girls were excited as well and we started all of the talk of the baby being in Mommy's tummy and why they didn't come out of my tummy and all of the other usual talk that happens until...
     That time came when we had to go for the dreaded ultrasound.  We knew exactly what we were looking for and could spot it a mile away.  It didn't look good and we were certain it had happened again before the doctor ever came back to the tiny room that stood between us and our dream.  There was one thing on the screen that we hadn't seen before.  You guessed it, it was a boy!  Every man's pride to have a son of his own and every mother's special boy and ours was very sick.
     We didn't even have to discuss our plan, it had been decided before we ever made our ultrasound appointment, but once I knew it was a boy I couldn't stick to the plan.  All I wanted was to give my husband a son, a tiny Donnie with great big blue eyes.  I couldn't make the decision to terminate even though I knew the outcome.  I was so torn between what I wanted, what I needed, what the rest of the family wanted and having to make the decision at all.  It wasn't fair.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  How could He let this happen and why did He put it on my heart to get pregnant again?
     I was SO angry and I couldn't think straight or sideways or crossways or any other way.  I cried and I cussed and I cussed and I cried and the girls who I loved so much didn't take the pain away.  What was I thinking?  I couldn't handle this again.  I didn't handle it very well the first two times it happened, what made this any different?  But, after much deliberation and soul sucking, I decided it would be too hard on me to stay pregnant and so unfair to my girls if the baby lived but needed full time care.  Their future was at stake as well and I couldn't do that to them, so we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we did with Kadyn's.
     I know that God laid his hands on me the day that I went to the hospital because I had such a peace about me and felt so relaxed and at one with my decision.  I focused on my girls and making sure that they understood to the best of their ability what was truly happening.  Baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us and Mommy may be sad for a little while, but that being sad was perfectly ok and crying was allowed.  But the girls didn't cry and they weren't sad.  They were proud of their little brother and thought that he looked like an angel in his tiny gown.  They held him and kissed him and told him they loved him and I told him I was sorry.  Sorry for needing him so much and sorry that he couldn't stay.
     I let him go that day along with so many other things that I couldn't control and I tried my best to get through the day, hour by hour minute by minute.  Breathing in and out because I had to, but not necessarily because I wanted to.  I stayed very angry at God and wasn't shy about letting Him know it until that day in June, the day that my Mom called me and another miracle began to bloom.

See You As I See

Can you come over here
And just melt into me

Can you take a look through my eyes
And see you as I see

Look into your perfect blue eyes
With which you see your children with joy

Touch your perfect hands
With which you caress all our souls

Feel your perfect mended heart
At one time sealed with the tar of pain

Hear your soothing voice
That clears my sky from all rain

Know your strength and your loss
So undeserved and tragic at best

Accept your blessings been given
And don't dwell on the rest

You are meant to be happy
And you've done nothing wrong

In this life we will struggle
But the world WILL hear our song

Love you.

What, How, Where, Who...He

What do you do when hope isn't enough
What do you do when you're almost out of trust

How do you cope with all of the pain
How do you know the prayers aren't in vain

Where do you turn when you can't stand alone
Where is the hand that you need to hold

Who is to blame for so much gone bad
Who can you name to pick up the tab

He is the light which you need to seek
He is the prize at the top of the peak

You have the strength, for He placed it within
You keep the faith that led you to Him

We will lift you up with praise and with prayer
We will never you let you down, we will always be there

I'm not THAT strong

I have been very occupied with worrying about some specific families in our area lately and the trials they are having to endure.  It has kind of consumed me and made me take a look at my journey and though my sacrifices were many, how blessed I really am.
I know how to lay my first born to rest in the grave beside the sister-n-law I was never privileged to meet.
I know how to have my second born cremated and see her urn on my piano every day when I wake up.
I know how to explain to my daughters why baby brother isn't coming home with us and look on in awe of them as they take in the full meaning of life and death.
What I know I can't do is watch my child suffer every day and stand by because there is nothing I can do.
Kaelynn lived for 3 days and it was the most pain I had ever felt, not being able to help her breath, watching all of the monitors flashing and chiming when something was wrong, worrying every second that this breath would be her last.  It took almost the entire 3 days for me to realize that she was just waiting for me to tell her it was ok, it was ok that she had to go and that I understood that she needed me to hold her when she did.
I have said often that God blessed me by taking them to live with him, because he knew that I couldn't watch them be sick. He knew I wasn't that strong, because I don't know where that strength comes from.  It has to come from a place so deep that it almost turns you inside out because you know that you have to stay strong for them.  You have to put on that brave face for them and the rest of the family, because you are the glue that holds that house of cards in place.  They know that as long as Mommy is still smiling everything will be ok.
I praise you.
I pray for you.
May God Bless You!

No More Words

Our own shooting Star
And my saving Grace

A troubled life and questions asked
She finally found her place

We can never repay her precious gift
The boy, our son, funny little brother

From her heart to ours
From Mother to Mother

God knew all along
Two seeds planted by His hand

Hers destined for us
And ours just part of the Plan

My heart is filled with so much joy
To see her with the happiness she deserves

God's GIFT for her sacrifice
It leaves me with no more words

June 4, 2009

This is taken from my "thankful" journal.  I had this one and an "angry" journal.  It really does help to separate the two and isolate just one set of feelings at a time.

I am so much stronger than I ever wanted to be and know that I can help others with what I have learned.  I love my children so much and I am so lucky to be their mom.  I am thankful for everything that I have and all of the love that I feel.  My world can be a very happy place and I feel very secure and content in it (most of the time).

May 10, 2009

What is happy?  I definitely know sad, angry, lost, hurt, betrayed, and grief but what is happy?  Does anyone know happy for more than a fleeting moment?  Does it ever stay like sad does?  Why doesn't happy creep in when sadness is there like sadness does when you are "happy"?
Hurt can come right in the middle of a laugh, saying "don't forget about me".

May 7, 2009

I found a journal from 2009 and thought that I would share a few of the entries.  I really have come a long way.  It will happen, it just takes time.

I feel broken
mentally, physically and spiritually broken
How do you fix a being?
How can you "be" when chunks of your heart are missing?
I don't understand

Have You Tried To Breath?

Can you see it my way
I hope that you can't

Have you tried to breath
Only to push out a pant

Has the darkness slinked in
And enveloped the light

Leaving you blind
With no strenghth left to fight

Have you cussed at the Lord
With anger so thick

You thought He would never forgive you
Your soul to never be picked

My hope for us all
Know His love and His strength

He can shoulder the weight
And YOU are stronger than you think

The Anger won't change what was
But the Pain provides a spark

Use that spark to build a fire
You can heal a friend's grieving heart

We aren't here for "number one"
That's not what life's about

He gave us all a Purpose
Now go and figure it out!

Angry and Scared are OK

     I remember how excited and happy and terrified I was at the thought of bringing our twins home.  We had worked so hard for these babies and been through so much and now we had received what we had been praying for for so long.  Of course, we are the classic case of be careful what you pray for.  I only asked for one healthy baby and I got two!  You would have thought and I am sure that most people did, that we would be blissfully happy and never want for another thing in this life, but we still ached to have a child that came from the love that we shared. 
     I think now how selfish this is and the thought of what might have happened to our girls had we not adopted them turns my stomach, but I had an unrelenting NEED to get pregnant again.  It was always there in the back of my mind and I talked it about quite frequently with my husband, who said time and time again "I'm good with the girls".  Twins are a big undertaking for first time parents and I was still grieving for the two girls we had lost.  I was sooooooo overprotective of the twins and was branded "Freak Mom" by those closest to me.  Let's face it, I was afraid of losing them too.  I was past the point of "the worst is over" or "nothing else could possibly go wrong".  These types of things aren't in our vocabulary anymore.  It can always be worse and it can happen again...because it did.  I know now that it was part of His plan and the way that it had to be, but man was I angry.  I also remember being in denial for a little while and thinking that there is no way that we could both carry this rare gene that is prominent in an Amish community in Pennsylvania.  I mean, seriously, what kind of crap is that?!  And who were we to deserve such a beautiful gift as these twin girls?  Most couples stay on a list for years and either never get a baby or end up adopting older children.  We got two babies, from birth, and no opposition from the birth parents.  Our story was something that a friend tells you about.  You know the one...did you hear about so-and-so and her losing two babies?  I don't know how she made it through that and then they adopted twins, can you believe it?
      These kind of things don't happen to YOU, they are urban myths or fairly tales from far off lands.  So, yes, I have been angry...scared...excited...depressed...anxious...exhausted...worried...confused and elated all in one day before.  It would come in waves or all at one time and be so hard to process.  I wish I had had a me to talk to, someone that had been there.  Someone that was writing a blog about what she felt and how she coped.  You can have some "crazy" thoughts and emotions when things like this happen and none of them are wrong, they just are.  There is no right or wrong way to process your trials, you just have to do what you can do and have a good support system.  There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope.  Always look up to Him for support and not down to drugs, alcohol or withdrawing from those that love you.  You need them now more than ever.  Use those shoulders and don't be afraid to cry or yell or run, just make sure that you come back refreshed and ready to jump that next hurdle.  Not even Forest Gump could run forever, you have stop running at some point.  The sun always rises and problems are like shadows, they will always be behind you or in front of you and no matter how fast your run, they have no problem keeping up.

Grief Can Open Your Eyes and Your Heart

While grief can be confining and close you off from the world for a while, it can also be quite enlightening to many things in this life. Some that you didn't want to experience or think about at all and wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Having to sign a non resuscitate order for my one day old daughter would be at the top of my list. Horrifying as this was, it definitely opened my eyes to what is important in this life and what should and shouldn't matter. I have never been one to say one thing and act another way when no one was looking, but I learned to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you love someone tell them, if something is bothering you say so, if you are scared admit it, if you can change something do it and if you can't change something don't dwell on it. It has also opened my heart to people and situations I would have avoided before. Although I haven't gotten to one of the best parts of our story, most of you know about the adoption of our twin girls the same year that we lost our second daughter. Twins born with cocaine in their system to a mother that had been incarcerated for the majority of the pregnancy would have had most people running the opposite direction, but I had lost two very sick little girls and wanted nothing more than to care for those twins...sick or not. It was the grief that opened my heart to be able to let them in however, I know that now. I wouldn't be the person I am today and in the position to be of some real help to others without my grief. You can't teach this in any school, learn it from any book or absorb it from any online search engine. It comes from my soul, is intertwined in every muscle fiber and can never be stripped from me. I am not saying that this is what I had planned or wanted, but I wouldn't change it. It has given me strength, given me courage I didn't know I had, brought me closer to my husband and family and blessed me with three of the most beautiful children. If you can climb out of the rubble and blow all the ashes out, you will be better than you were before. You will embrace your grief and one of these days be thankful for your experiences. Use them to grow and help others find their purpose, because we all have one. Some of us have to endure a little more pain than others, but that is ok. I realize that God must have a great deal of faith in ME and he deserves to have that faith returned. He moves in me to be able to inspire you.

My Friend and My Mother

I remember you there with a shoulder to loan I remember you there making our house a home Your strength and your love in my heart stayed for good Your gift to us was do as I do and not as you should Laughter through grief and courage through tears Your love and your guidance for all of my years I am only the person I am because of your love for me I am only the mother I am because you taught me to be Forget the past and all of the strife Forget the mistakes made in this life Thank you for all that you are and who I've become My journey's been long and my pain more than some As a daughter and friend, my cup runneth over The Lord filled it with you, my friend and my Mother Love, Your Favorite

Mother's Day - A love/hate holiday

I know that I am breaking the momentum of my building story, but I feel like I need to spend a little time on this holiday that is so hard for so many. Whether you have lost a Mother or are a Mother who has lost, it is hard. You remember the good and the happy, but the fact that they aren't here is painfully obvious and hard to ignore. Loss in any form will not be ignored. It may wait patiently for a while and it is happy to stand in line behind all the other trials of life, BUT it will be there at exactly the wrong time and the most perfectly horrible place just when you don't need it. Have no fear of that, you will break down and you will perform the ugly cry but it's ok and it's cleansing and it will pass. If it needs to be on this day then so be it, but welcome it and the reason that it has arrived because if we had never experienced a love so wonderful and pure it wouldn't hurt so damn bad. Please, please, please feel blessed that you were gifted with that love that so many in this world never get to have and so few really cherish. Be one of the few and spread that love as far and wide as you can because you never know who is hurting and may need some bright and good in their life. Things in this life don't happen by accident, and though the path chosen may not be your choice, it isn't always about you. Scars are made because the wound has healed and that place is strengthened and fortified by new flesh so that the coming cuts don't get through as easily. You are stronger for what you have endured and someone else needs that strength and that is why you are on path that you see before you. The sun will shine and you will feel it's warmth on those scars.

Dear Lydia

All I ever wanted to make was something as beautiful as you
But in place of brown, with eyes so blue

From her body so sick, you grew healthy and new
From my body so healthy, sick babies grew

I love you so much and the joy that you bring
I am so happy for them and the song their hearts sing

I know the Lord works in mysterious ways
We are proof of that fact when I watch my children play

But it still makes me cry and sometimes get confused
All I ever wanted to make was something as beautiful as you

The Miracle on Dixie Avenue

We had our second baby girl cremated so that I could keep her near me. I can't even relive Kaelynn's funeral because it nearly killed me the first time and we had nothing but problems with her gravemarker and the cemetary. If she was not out there next to my husband's sister, I probably would have cremated her as well. Neither process was pleasant. Even the funeral homes don't know how to react or what to say. They see grieving people every day, but walk in pregnant and ask to make arrangements for what is moving around in your belly and they get some pretty empty looks on their faces.
You can certainly know that by this point in the game, my husband had thrown in the towel. There was no discussion of trying again or any game plan for that matter. He was done! I just couldn't believe this was it. I knew in my heart we were supposed to have children and all of the events that had taken place couldn't have been for no good reason. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
I started talking to my husband about adoption. I might as well have been talking to myself most of the time because he wasn't hearing it. There were so many questions, how much did it cost? Where did we start? How long would we wait? Could we love a child that wasn't "ours"? Could we even be approved to adopt?
Donnie's cousin had a friend that worked for a doctor that had been placing babies for years, but he had a list a mile long and the holidays were coming fast. I called to schedule an appointment, but the office was to be closed over the holidays, so we deciced after the first of the year would be the best time to meet. His staff passed along our story and we were destined to struggle through the season with empty arms and no real plan of action. I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas. What did I have to celebrate? One baby in the ground and a box of ashes on the mantle? I certainly put the Bah in Humbug. I did however make a list for my husband as I always did and about halfway down was Baby. God had forsaken us, but maybe Santa would come through, right?!
I somehow found some peace with the season and celebrated with family. It was actually pretty late when we arrived home on Christmas Day and I was getting into bed when Donnie's cousin called around 10:00 pm that evening. She was pretty much in tears and told me that I had to call her friend at the doctor's office. They had been trying to get hold of her and had some new for us. That news was of a 26 year old girl that walked through the door of the hospital on Christmas morning with no prior prenatal care, cocaine in her system and identical twin girls in her womb. The doctor that we hadn't even met yet just happened to be on call that day and delivered those beautiful babies by c-section himself. He spoke to this lost girl of which was the mother of 8 other children, none in her custody and told her the story of a family that had lost two baby girls to a rare genetic disorder and wanted desperately to have children. She agreed that she couldn't care for them was convinced it was the right thing to do. I pray for her quite often and thank everyone involved, because those girls saved our marriage, our faith and probably my life. We love our dark-haired, black-eyed, olive skinned girls with all of our heart and have no doubt that they were made just for us. I had never received before that moment or any moment since a better Christmas present than them.

If...

If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
Like the river rushing furiously to unite with the sea
I would drown the doubt and anger until it choked and couldn't be
If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me

If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
Blocking out the rain, the hurt, the shame and cold
I would lift the weight and burden like a rising puff of smoke
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat

If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Sifting through the sludge to obtain what has been lost
Until your mind runs clear and the demons have been tossed
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts

Really??

I am sure that you have learned by now that I am anything but a quitter. Thick-headed, one-track minded and a little stupid, yes, but quitter no. I just had this overwhelming feeling of everything is going to work out, it is all going to be ok and above all...I HAD to get pregnant again. It was only a 25% chance that it would happen again and those odds were lowered even more by the fact that it had already happened once. The odds were good and everyone was on board. My husband and I just have to look at each other and we get pregnant, so that was again not a problem. All my levels were good and everything in the early stages were fine as before. At between 16 and 18 weeks we went for the dreaded ultrasound. I was nothing but positive and wore my pink shirt in hopes of another girl. That was the only wish that came true that day.
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??

It's Been A Day

March is never a good month, Kaelynn was born and died in that month. It has been 10 years and my body still remembers every emotion and feeling. I am happy with my life and I love my kids and I have a wonderful husband who loves my kids, but damn it still hurts! I still find myself making sure that I am not too happy, because that means something bad might happen. I think that my husband and I both hold back just a little on loving each other and the kids because if we love them too much, they may be taken away. I get so upset with them sometimes if they roughhouse too much because the mere thought of them being injured is almost more than I can handle. Then I think, God wouldn't take them from me. I had to work too hard to get them. Of course I didn't think he would allow me to have three of my own pass away either. What do I know? I am obviously not making the rules around here.

What now?

I look back at our journey and really wonder how I even got out of bed every day or why I thought I should. My greatest wish was never going to come true. I had always known that I wanted kids and once I met my husband, I wanted nothing more than to have his kids. Our beautiful children with gourgeous almond shaped blue eyes and curly hair. I would never look into those eyes and see a little part of myself. I would never have to tame that unruly hair and remember how much I hated it as a kid.
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(

Just when you thought the ride was over...

There is another loop-de-loop to turn your stomach. So, the doctors and genetic specialist never discouraged us from trying to get pregnant again and I,of course, wanted to be as soon as possible. I am the ultimate optimist and firm believer of everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok! I have learned the very hard lesson, however, that everything is not always ok and sometimes things can turn straight to ka-ka in the blink of an eye.
My husband would have done just about anything to "make it better" at this point, so he agreed to try right away. As previously mentioned, getting pregnant is not a problem for us so it again only took one try. I was really in no shape, mentally or physically, to be pregnant and unfortanetely sufferer a miscarriage. My doctor insisted on performing a d&c (sp?).
I felt compelled to share this part of our story because so many people don't understand the pain of a miscarriage. One would think that since I had just experienced such a terrible loss, a miscarriage wouldn't be too unnerving...this would not be the case. My miscarriage was an even bigger slap in the face. This pregnancy was supposed to be my comeback, I had everything on red and was letting her ride. I just knew God wouldn't give me more heartache. I had been through so much already, he wouldn't put more on me than I could take. Little did I know, my rope is apparently so long that even if I wanted to tie it to something and hang myself, the other end doesn't exist.

The reason the loss of a child is so damn hard, is because he/she isn't just that beautiful face, the cutest tiny hands and toes or a part of you and your husband innertwined, they are you hopes...dreams...aspirations and future! Everything that you never had or never got to do in your childhood, you wish for them. You want to be able to provide them as much of the world as is possible and show them the beauty in this sometimes ugly place.
We as women can love that egg and sperm so deeply before they are even united. Definitely something that men don't understand. My husband could just detach himself from each pregnancy (yes there will be more). I didn't have that option. I was linked and in love from the time I saw positive on the pregnancy test, even before I felt any real affects of the pregnancy at all. That is just how I am wired and I couldn't turn it off. I am still a little jealous of my husband that he has that little treasure chest in the far corner of his mind where everything is kept locked away, but not as if it never happened, just not to be taken out and sorted through as I often do daily.

Kaelynn 3/26/02-3/29/02

My biggest inspiration for this blog is our first angel that flew away to Heaven. She is especially on my mind this time of year and Valentine's Day is always a little sad for us. It was that day 10 years ago that we found out something was wrong with our very first pregnancy and the very first grandbaby on both sides. It was also the very first day of a long journey that would change us all forever.
I was 6 months pregnant and apparently had a much larger belly than I should have had. The doctor knew something was wrong as soon as he touched the ultrasound to my stomach. Our tiny miracle was just floating around in what looked like gallons of amniotic fluid. He was so concerned that we drove directly to the advanced ultrasound center there in town, me crying the whole way, and then had to wait for what seemed like days. After the ultrasound was performed they wouldn't tell us anything, of course, and had to return home not knowing what was going on. We ended up (not for two weeks) at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando where they performed a very silent and solemn ultrasound. When the team of 4 doctors returned to the room, the first words out of one of their mouths was, "this is a fatal condition". It worsened from there as I only heard bits and pieces of information through my sobs; like cleft palate, 6 fingers and toes, dwarf, brain damage, extremely small rib cage, heart problems, liver failure, can't survive birth! This wasn't happening to us, it had to be a nightmare. We had never known of anything like this on either side of the families and where this particular Syndrome was seen most often was in an Amish village in Pennsylvania. I am a half Spic born in Venezuela for goodness sake and my husband was born in Florida, how could we both carry this very rare recessive gene and both put out one at the same time in order to make such a sick baby girl. It was a 75% chance of having a healthy baby and as the Genetics Counselor said it, "the lottery you don't want to win".
So at this stage in the pregnancy I was too far along to do anything but wait to go into labor, which didn't happen for another month and a half. I looked like I was about to explode at any moment and couldn't go anywhere for someone asking me when I was due or what I was having. I was having a still born child with nothing but deformities and I didn't know if I would even be able to look at her for fear of her appearance. Could I still love her? Would I be able to hold her? Was I less of a woman because I couldn't give my husband a child? My in-laws had already lost their 16 year old daughter and now I couldn't give them a healthy grandchild. I felt like it was all my fault and I had done everything right...I didn't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. I read about what I was supposed to be eating and doing at every stage of my pregnancy and I was taking folic acid before I even conceived. It took us one try to get pregnant, which later we would find out was a curse instead of a blessing.
Why could drug addicts pop out kids like a pez dispenser and not even care about them? How many pregnant women had I seen with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other? What had I done that was so wrong to deserve this? Our baby never asked to be born and now she was sick and I couldn't do anything about it. I would just breath in and out every day for the next month and a half, feeling her kick and move inside me, trying not to love her too much so it wasn't so painful when she died, if she ever lived outside my womb at all.
My delivery was very fast and extremely hectic with my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the nurse talking to her, she had survived the birthing process that they everything but promised us would kill her. She was alert and responsive and definitely knew who her momma was. She was perfect and beautiful to me, no matter how many obstacles she faced. She was stubborn enough to live 3 days because her heart was very strong and she was waiting for me to hold her when she passed.
I didn't think that I could do it and said that I didn't want to be in the room when she took her final breath, but every time she would start to fail and I would leave, she would suddenly start breathing again and her color would return to normal. I knew in my heart that she needed me there to let her know it was ok to go. We all ended up being there when she left and it was eternally more peaceful than I could ever have imagined. I was blessed to give her life and blessed to feel her life exhale to the beyond. Her existence and demise was only but the beginning of love and suffering for our family, but she will always live in my soul and she will welcome me to Heaven when my time comes.

If you can't say something nice...say SOMETHING

Even if you don't know what to say to me, saying anything is better than not acknowledging my loss at all. I already feel like the world just keeps on turning even though I can barely drag myself out of bed. No one seems to care that my reason for living is now a pile of ashes nestled in an angel urn on my mantle. I need to know that you care and that although you don't have a full grasp on the intensity of my pain, you still realize that it is real. So real and enveloping that I can't always talk about it and that right now I have bad days and really bad days.
The pain will lessen as time goes on, but I am not the same person I used to be. Life has taken on a new meaning for me and I won't have use for some of the nonsense that this world has to offer. I am a little more self aware and have a very strong sense of self preservation, which means I may seem selfish at times, but don't mean to hurt your feelings. I am not broken, however, and can tell when you are avoiding me. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable around me, but none of this was my fault and I am doing the best I can. I breath in and out hoping for God's peace to fill my heart a little more each day.
Please let me talk when I need to and don't keep me from crying, it is good for the soul.

Don't hate me because I am grieving

Dedicated to my friend Michelle S. having a hard time...

I can't come to your baby shower and act like everything is ok when my insides feel like they are being fed through a shredder. I can't come to your little sweet one's 2nd birthday party and smile and have cake when my angel would have been 2 in a couple of days. I can't open Christmas presents with your kids after I just cried for two hours because I don't have kids of my own to wrap for. I can't say any of these things out loud because you will think that I am a horrible person. You will think that I am not happy for the blessings everyone else has received when I can't be happy about anything right now.
Everywhere I go, there is a pregnant woman pushing a stroller. Around every corner, there is a sweet little face giggling and it is like nails on a chalkboard. It seems as if EVERY ONE of my friends is pregnant or just had a baby. Perfect strangers are making movies just to make ME cry!
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't even want to talk to my best friend who always makes me feel better. I don't want to feel better...HELL, I don't know what I want! I just need it not to hurt so much.

Remember that moment?

That moment right before your world came to a stop. That happy moment right before your world turned upside down. One second everything is right with the world and the next second, you can't breath. Give it back, you didn't just steal the very life that allows me to live. You can't have my heart, I need it inside my chest. What did I do to deserve such pain and what can I do to make it stop hurting?? WHY??????? I don't understand any of this and no one else understands how that feels. Is it possible for any more tears to fall? I must be dehyrated by now, but I can't stop crying.

Stupid things NOT to say to a grieving person

Keep in mind that most of these statements are more than likely true in the long run and not meant to be hurtful, but as discussed previously, the grieving brain does not function the same as it did before the grief set in.  When you are newly grieving, nothing anyone says is going to make you feel any better, but that doesn't mean that you can't listen to and then ignore everyone's "helpful" statements.  So, let's jump right in...

 1.  Everything is going to be ok - This may eventually become true, but right now in this moment, "ok" is so far removed that it's mailing address is in Timbuktu.  You feel like you could live a thousand years and it never be "ok".  What does that even mean?  You would even take slightly less than "ok" right now if it would make any of the pain go away. 

2.  They are in a better place - So...yes, they are definitely in a better place than this trash can that we live in, but there could be no better place than right there beside you or cradled in your arms.  We are selfish and we want that person we lost in the same place where we are, not in Heaven. 

3.  You need to (fill in the blank) - The only thing you NEED to do is breath in and out.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you NEED to do whatever it is that makes your process easier. 

4.  I  understand how you feel - Yeah, I don't think that ya do!  I don't even understand how I feel, how could anyone else possibly understand this muddle of emotions that are going on inside of me?

5.  This is part of God's plan - Well you know what?...God's plan SUCKS sometimes and I don't have to like it and I sure don't understand it.  There were probably a dozen other ways that the plan could have played out that would have to be better than this.

Don't get me wrong, God has given back the blessings that were taken away and I know that the "plan" is not mine and not necessarily the one I would have chosen but the plan none the less.  My faith has brought me to this place and my hope takes me beyond that a little more each day.  Talking about the anger and the hurt does help and having someone to just listen is a huge blessing.  I am thankful for all of the people in my life who have done that for me.  I pray you find someone too.

Grieving...it's what's for dinner,

and for breakfast and lunch.  It won't let you eat or it makes you eat too much.  It creeps into your sleep and invades your dreams.  It trys to drown you in the shower and blocks out the sun on the hottest day.  It clouds your mind so you can't even remember what you just said, but you remember that moment when there was no breath or sign of the one you loved in that lifeless vessel that you held in your arms like it just happened...because you keep reliving it even when you don't want to or try to block it out and act like it never happened.  But it did, it did happen and you have so many questions that they weigh you down like a wet blanket that you can't entangle from.  Why did this happen to me?  Why did it happen right now?  Why do these things happen at all?  Isn't this something that you read happened to someone else in a far away place; it doesn't happen to me??
Everyone else goes on about their business like the world hasn't ended.  Don't they know my life has stopped?  Can't they feel my pain radiating out from me trying to reach them all?  You say and do things that you normally wouldn't and it is usually to the ones that are dearest to you.  You can't stop yourself and you can see and hear a tiny version of yourself in the back of your head screaming STOP, why are saying those things?  Your mind doesn't respond because your brain doesn't work properly anymore.  There are too many misfires to count and there is sometimes no communication between your brain and your other functions.  You don't care if other people's feelings get hurt because deep down in that very "human" place, you want everyone else to feel the way you feel.  Your insides ache and burn and feel empty at the same time.  Your limbs each way 1,000 pounds and just won't move the way they should and your heart...your heart at first feels this great crushing, like someone is squeezing and squeezing trying to get it to pop but it just holds on and then you feel it break.  You actually feel it never being the same and the hole that is there and over time things and people will happen in your life that fill it little by little but it will never completely close.  It will always be searching for that piece that got lost and the answers that may never come.