Really??

I am sure that you have learned by now that I am anything but a quitter. Thick-headed, one-track minded and a little stupid, yes, but quitter no. I just had this overwhelming feeling of everything is going to work out, it is all going to be ok and above all...I HAD to get pregnant again. It was only a 25% chance that it would happen again and those odds were lowered even more by the fact that it had already happened once. The odds were good and everyone was on board. My husband and I just have to look at each other and we get pregnant, so that was again not a problem. All my levels were good and everything in the early stages were fine as before. At between 16 and 18 weeks we went for the dreaded ultrasound. I was nothing but positive and wore my pink shirt in hopes of another girl. That was the only wish that came true that day.
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??