What is happy? I definitely know sad, angry, lost, hurt, betrayed, and grief but what is happy? Does anyone know happy for more than a fleeting moment? Does it ever stay like sad does? Why doesn't happy creep in when sadness is there like sadness does when you are "happy"?
Hurt can come right in the middle of a laugh, saying "don't forget about me".
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
May 7, 2009
I found a journal from 2009 and thought that I would share a few of the entries. I really have come a long way. It will happen, it just takes time.
I feel broken
mentally, physically and spiritually broken
How do you fix a being?
How can you "be" when chunks of your heart are missing?
I don't understand
I feel broken
mentally, physically and spiritually broken
How do you fix a being?
How can you "be" when chunks of your heart are missing?
I don't understand
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Have You Tried To Breath?
Can you see it my way
I hope that you can't
Have you tried to breath
Only to push out a pant
Has the darkness slinked in
And enveloped the light
Leaving you blind
With no strenghth left to fight
Have you cussed at the Lord
With anger so thick
You thought He would never forgive you
Your soul to never be picked
My hope for us all
Know His love and His strength
He can shoulder the weight
And YOU are stronger than you think
The Anger won't change what was
But the Pain provides a spark
Use that spark to build a fire
You can heal a friend's grieving heart
We aren't here for "number one"
That's not what life's about
He gave us all a Purpose
Now go and figure it out!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Angry and Scared are OK
I remember how excited and happy and terrified I was at the thought of bringing our twins home. We had worked so hard for these babies and been through so much and now we had received what we had been praying for for so long. Of course, we are the classic case of be careful what you pray for. I only asked for one healthy baby and I got two! You would have thought and I am sure that most people did, that we would be blissfully happy and never want for another thing in this life, but we still ached to have a child that came from the love that we shared.
I think now how selfish this is and the thought of what might have happened to our girls had we not adopted them turns my stomach, but I had an unrelenting NEED to get pregnant again. It was always there in the back of my mind and I talked it about quite frequently with my husband, who said time and time again "I'm good with the girls". Twins are a big undertaking for first time parents and I was still grieving for the two girls we had lost. I was sooooooo overprotective of the twins and was branded "Freak Mom" by those closest to me. Let's face it, I was afraid of losing them too. I was past the point of "the worst is over" or "nothing else could possibly go wrong". These types of things aren't in our vocabulary anymore. It can always be worse and it can happen again...because it did. I know now that it was part of His plan and the way that it had to be, but man was I angry. I also remember being in denial for a little while and thinking that there is no way that we could both carry this rare gene that is prominent in an Amish community in Pennsylvania. I mean, seriously, what kind of crap is that?! And who were we to deserve such a beautiful gift as these twin girls? Most couples stay on a list for years and either never get a baby or end up adopting older children. We got two babies, from birth, and no opposition from the birth parents. Our story was something that a friend tells you about. You know the one...did you hear about so-and-so and her losing two babies? I don't know how she made it through that and then they adopted twins, can you believe it?
These kind of things don't happen to YOU, they are urban myths or fairly tales from far off lands. So, yes, I have been angry...scared...excited...depressed...anxious...exhausted...worried...confused and elated all in one day before. It would come in waves or all at one time and be so hard to process. I wish I had had a me to talk to, someone that had been there. Someone that was writing a blog about what she felt and how she coped. You can have some "crazy" thoughts and emotions when things like this happen and none of them are wrong, they just are. There is no right or wrong way to process your trials, you just have to do what you can do and have a good support system. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope. Always look up to Him for support and not down to drugs, alcohol or withdrawing from those that love you. You need them now more than ever. Use those shoulders and don't be afraid to cry or yell or run, just make sure that you come back refreshed and ready to jump that next hurdle. Not even Forest Gump could run forever, you have stop running at some point. The sun always rises and problems are like shadows, they will always be behind you or in front of you and no matter how fast your run, they have no problem keeping up.
I think now how selfish this is and the thought of what might have happened to our girls had we not adopted them turns my stomach, but I had an unrelenting NEED to get pregnant again. It was always there in the back of my mind and I talked it about quite frequently with my husband, who said time and time again "I'm good with the girls". Twins are a big undertaking for first time parents and I was still grieving for the two girls we had lost. I was sooooooo overprotective of the twins and was branded "Freak Mom" by those closest to me. Let's face it, I was afraid of losing them too. I was past the point of "the worst is over" or "nothing else could possibly go wrong". These types of things aren't in our vocabulary anymore. It can always be worse and it can happen again...because it did. I know now that it was part of His plan and the way that it had to be, but man was I angry. I also remember being in denial for a little while and thinking that there is no way that we could both carry this rare gene that is prominent in an Amish community in Pennsylvania. I mean, seriously, what kind of crap is that?! And who were we to deserve such a beautiful gift as these twin girls? Most couples stay on a list for years and either never get a baby or end up adopting older children. We got two babies, from birth, and no opposition from the birth parents. Our story was something that a friend tells you about. You know the one...did you hear about so-and-so and her losing two babies? I don't know how she made it through that and then they adopted twins, can you believe it?
These kind of things don't happen to YOU, they are urban myths or fairly tales from far off lands. So, yes, I have been angry...scared...excited...depressed...anxious...exhausted...worried...confused and elated all in one day before. It would come in waves or all at one time and be so hard to process. I wish I had had a me to talk to, someone that had been there. Someone that was writing a blog about what she felt and how she coped. You can have some "crazy" thoughts and emotions when things like this happen and none of them are wrong, they just are. There is no right or wrong way to process your trials, you just have to do what you can do and have a good support system. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope. Always look up to Him for support and not down to drugs, alcohol or withdrawing from those that love you. You need them now more than ever. Use those shoulders and don't be afraid to cry or yell or run, just make sure that you come back refreshed and ready to jump that next hurdle. Not even Forest Gump could run forever, you have stop running at some point. The sun always rises and problems are like shadows, they will always be behind you or in front of you and no matter how fast your run, they have no problem keeping up.
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