There is another loop-de-loop to turn your stomach. So, the doctors and genetic specialist never discouraged us from trying to get pregnant again and I,of course, wanted to be as soon as possible. I am the ultimate optimist and firm believer of everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok! I have learned the very hard lesson, however, that everything is not always ok and sometimes things can turn straight to ka-ka in the blink of an eye.
My husband would have done just about anything to "make it better" at this point, so he agreed to try right away. As previously mentioned, getting pregnant is not a problem for us so it again only took one try. I was really in no shape, mentally or physically, to be pregnant and unfortanetely sufferer a miscarriage. My doctor insisted on performing a d&c (sp?).
I felt compelled to share this part of our story because so many people don't understand the pain of a miscarriage. One would think that since I had just experienced such a terrible loss, a miscarriage wouldn't be too unnerving...this would not be the case. My miscarriage was an even bigger slap in the face. This pregnancy was supposed to be my comeback, I had everything on red and was letting her ride. I just knew God wouldn't give me more heartache. I had been through so much already, he wouldn't put more on me than I could take. Little did I know, my rope is apparently so long that even if I wanted to tie it to something and hang myself, the other end doesn't exist.
The reason the loss of a child is so damn hard, is because he/she isn't just that beautiful face, the cutest tiny hands and toes or a part of you and your husband innertwined, they are you hopes...dreams...aspirations and future! Everything that you never had or never got to do in your childhood, you wish for them. You want to be able to provide them as much of the world as is possible and show them the beauty in this sometimes ugly place.
We as women can love that egg and sperm so deeply before they are even united. Definitely something that men don't understand. My husband could just detach himself from each pregnancy (yes there will be more). I didn't have that option. I was linked and in love from the time I saw positive on the pregnancy test, even before I felt any real affects of the pregnancy at all. That is just how I am wired and I couldn't turn it off. I am still a little jealous of my husband that he has that little treasure chest in the far corner of his mind where everything is kept locked away, but not as if it never happened, just not to be taken out and sorted through as I often do daily.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Kaelynn 3/26/02-3/29/02
My biggest inspiration for this blog is our first angel that flew away to Heaven. She is especially on my mind this time of year and Valentine's Day is always a little sad for us. It was that day 10 years ago that we found out something was wrong with our very first pregnancy and the very first grandbaby on both sides. It was also the very first day of a long journey that would change us all forever.
I was 6 months pregnant and apparently had a much larger belly than I should have had. The doctor knew something was wrong as soon as he touched the ultrasound to my stomach. Our tiny miracle was just floating around in what looked like gallons of amniotic fluid. He was so concerned that we drove directly to the advanced ultrasound center there in town, me crying the whole way, and then had to wait for what seemed like days. After the ultrasound was performed they wouldn't tell us anything, of course, and had to return home not knowing what was going on. We ended up (not for two weeks) at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando where they performed a very silent and solemn ultrasound. When the team of 4 doctors returned to the room, the first words out of one of their mouths was, "this is a fatal condition". It worsened from there as I only heard bits and pieces of information through my sobs; like cleft palate, 6 fingers and toes, dwarf, brain damage, extremely small rib cage, heart problems, liver failure, can't survive birth! This wasn't happening to us, it had to be a nightmare. We had never known of anything like this on either side of the families and where this particular Syndrome was seen most often was in an Amish village in Pennsylvania. I am a half Spic born in Venezuela for goodness sake and my husband was born in Florida, how could we both carry this very rare recessive gene and both put out one at the same time in order to make such a sick baby girl. It was a 75% chance of having a healthy baby and as the Genetics Counselor said it, "the lottery you don't want to win".
So at this stage in the pregnancy I was too far along to do anything but wait to go into labor, which didn't happen for another month and a half. I looked like I was about to explode at any moment and couldn't go anywhere for someone asking me when I was due or what I was having. I was having a still born child with nothing but deformities and I didn't know if I would even be able to look at her for fear of her appearance. Could I still love her? Would I be able to hold her? Was I less of a woman because I couldn't give my husband a child? My in-laws had already lost their 16 year old daughter and now I couldn't give them a healthy grandchild. I felt like it was all my fault and I had done everything right...I didn't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. I read about what I was supposed to be eating and doing at every stage of my pregnancy and I was taking folic acid before I even conceived. It took us one try to get pregnant, which later we would find out was a curse instead of a blessing.
Why could drug addicts pop out kids like a pez dispenser and not even care about them? How many pregnant women had I seen with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other? What had I done that was so wrong to deserve this? Our baby never asked to be born and now she was sick and I couldn't do anything about it. I would just breath in and out every day for the next month and a half, feeling her kick and move inside me, trying not to love her too much so it wasn't so painful when she died, if she ever lived outside my womb at all.
My delivery was very fast and extremely hectic with my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the nurse talking to her, she had survived the birthing process that they everything but promised us would kill her. She was alert and responsive and definitely knew who her momma was. She was perfect and beautiful to me, no matter how many obstacles she faced. She was stubborn enough to live 3 days because her heart was very strong and she was waiting for me to hold her when she passed.
I didn't think that I could do it and said that I didn't want to be in the room when she took her final breath, but every time she would start to fail and I would leave, she would suddenly start breathing again and her color would return to normal. I knew in my heart that she needed me there to let her know it was ok to go. We all ended up being there when she left and it was eternally more peaceful than I could ever have imagined. I was blessed to give her life and blessed to feel her life exhale to the beyond. Her existence and demise was only but the beginning of love and suffering for our family, but she will always live in my soul and she will welcome me to Heaven when my time comes.
I was 6 months pregnant and apparently had a much larger belly than I should have had. The doctor knew something was wrong as soon as he touched the ultrasound to my stomach. Our tiny miracle was just floating around in what looked like gallons of amniotic fluid. He was so concerned that we drove directly to the advanced ultrasound center there in town, me crying the whole way, and then had to wait for what seemed like days. After the ultrasound was performed they wouldn't tell us anything, of course, and had to return home not knowing what was going on. We ended up (not for two weeks) at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando where they performed a very silent and solemn ultrasound. When the team of 4 doctors returned to the room, the first words out of one of their mouths was, "this is a fatal condition". It worsened from there as I only heard bits and pieces of information through my sobs; like cleft palate, 6 fingers and toes, dwarf, brain damage, extremely small rib cage, heart problems, liver failure, can't survive birth! This wasn't happening to us, it had to be a nightmare. We had never known of anything like this on either side of the families and where this particular Syndrome was seen most often was in an Amish village in Pennsylvania. I am a half Spic born in Venezuela for goodness sake and my husband was born in Florida, how could we both carry this very rare recessive gene and both put out one at the same time in order to make such a sick baby girl. It was a 75% chance of having a healthy baby and as the Genetics Counselor said it, "the lottery you don't want to win".
So at this stage in the pregnancy I was too far along to do anything but wait to go into labor, which didn't happen for another month and a half. I looked like I was about to explode at any moment and couldn't go anywhere for someone asking me when I was due or what I was having. I was having a still born child with nothing but deformities and I didn't know if I would even be able to look at her for fear of her appearance. Could I still love her? Would I be able to hold her? Was I less of a woman because I couldn't give my husband a child? My in-laws had already lost their 16 year old daughter and now I couldn't give them a healthy grandchild. I felt like it was all my fault and I had done everything right...I didn't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. I read about what I was supposed to be eating and doing at every stage of my pregnancy and I was taking folic acid before I even conceived. It took us one try to get pregnant, which later we would find out was a curse instead of a blessing.
Why could drug addicts pop out kids like a pez dispenser and not even care about them? How many pregnant women had I seen with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other? What had I done that was so wrong to deserve this? Our baby never asked to be born and now she was sick and I couldn't do anything about it. I would just breath in and out every day for the next month and a half, feeling her kick and move inside me, trying not to love her too much so it wasn't so painful when she died, if she ever lived outside my womb at all.
My delivery was very fast and extremely hectic with my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the nurse talking to her, she had survived the birthing process that they everything but promised us would kill her. She was alert and responsive and definitely knew who her momma was. She was perfect and beautiful to me, no matter how many obstacles she faced. She was stubborn enough to live 3 days because her heart was very strong and she was waiting for me to hold her when she passed.
I didn't think that I could do it and said that I didn't want to be in the room when she took her final breath, but every time she would start to fail and I would leave, she would suddenly start breathing again and her color would return to normal. I knew in my heart that she needed me there to let her know it was ok to go. We all ended up being there when she left and it was eternally more peaceful than I could ever have imagined. I was blessed to give her life and blessed to feel her life exhale to the beyond. Her existence and demise was only but the beginning of love and suffering for our family, but she will always live in my soul and she will welcome me to Heaven when my time comes.
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