DJ (Donnie, Jr.) - May 7, 2008

     I seemed to have gotten quite sidetracked in my story line, but I do tend to follow my heart in pretty much everything that I do.  This is exactly the reason why I wouldn't leave my husband alone about trying again.  I had an unrelenting, burning, searing, neverending NEED to be pregnant again.  I couldn't explain it, especially not to him.  He didn't want to understand it, because he knew I couldn't handle another loss.  I on the other hand kept telling him I would be fine.  I have the girls now and it can't be as bad as the other two times, I have done it twice now, I am practically an expert on losing a child...a pro, I could write a book!  Riiiiigggghhht!!  I just could not believe that it could happen again.  The odds were so completely crazy and how could God even think of putting us through that again.  It just wasn't going to happen.  And once again, it wasn't my plan that ended up in the playbook.
     We got pregnant right away, of course, because this was our curse.  We could get pregnant by touching the tips of our fingers to one another.  We were excited, apprehensive of course, but I was determined to enjoy every bit of the pregnancy.  My girls were excited as well and we started all of the talk of the baby being in Mommy's tummy and why they didn't come out of my tummy and all of the other usual talk that happens until...
     That time came when we had to go for the dreaded ultrasound.  We knew exactly what we were looking for and could spot it a mile away.  It didn't look good and we were certain it had happened again before the doctor ever came back to the tiny room that stood between us and our dream.  There was one thing on the screen that we hadn't seen before.  You guessed it, it was a boy!  Every man's pride to have a son of his own and every mother's special boy and ours was very sick.
     We didn't even have to discuss our plan, it had been decided before we ever made our ultrasound appointment, but once I knew it was a boy I couldn't stick to the plan.  All I wanted was to give my husband a son, a tiny Donnie with great big blue eyes.  I couldn't make the decision to terminate even though I knew the outcome.  I was so torn between what I wanted, what I needed, what the rest of the family wanted and having to make the decision at all.  It wasn't fair.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  How could He let this happen and why did He put it on my heart to get pregnant again?
     I was SO angry and I couldn't think straight or sideways or crossways or any other way.  I cried and I cussed and I cussed and I cried and the girls who I loved so much didn't take the pain away.  What was I thinking?  I couldn't handle this again.  I didn't handle it very well the first two times it happened, what made this any different?  But, after much deliberation and soul sucking, I decided it would be too hard on me to stay pregnant and so unfair to my girls if the baby lived but needed full time care.  Their future was at stake as well and I couldn't do that to them, so we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we did with Kadyn's.
     I know that God laid his hands on me the day that I went to the hospital because I had such a peace about me and felt so relaxed and at one with my decision.  I focused on my girls and making sure that they understood to the best of their ability what was truly happening.  Baby brother wouldn't be coming home with us and Mommy may be sad for a little while, but that being sad was perfectly ok and crying was allowed.  But the girls didn't cry and they weren't sad.  They were proud of their little brother and thought that he looked like an angel in his tiny gown.  They held him and kissed him and told him they loved him and I told him I was sorry.  Sorry for needing him so much and sorry that he couldn't stay.
     I let him go that day along with so many other things that I couldn't control and I tried my best to get through the day, hour by hour minute by minute.  Breathing in and out because I had to, but not necessarily because I wanted to.  I stayed very angry at God and wasn't shy about letting Him know it until that day in June, the day that my Mom called me and another miracle began to bloom.

See You As I See

Can you come over here
And just melt into me

Can you take a look through my eyes
And see you as I see

Look into your perfect blue eyes
With which you see your children with joy

Touch your perfect hands
With which you caress all our souls

Feel your perfect mended heart
At one time sealed with the tar of pain

Hear your soothing voice
That clears my sky from all rain

Know your strength and your loss
So undeserved and tragic at best

Accept your blessings been given
And don't dwell on the rest

You are meant to be happy
And you've done nothing wrong

In this life we will struggle
But the world WILL hear our song

Love you.

What, How, Where, Who...He

What do you do when hope isn't enough
What do you do when you're almost out of trust

How do you cope with all of the pain
How do you know the prayers aren't in vain

Where do you turn when you can't stand alone
Where is the hand that you need to hold

Who is to blame for so much gone bad
Who can you name to pick up the tab

He is the light which you need to seek
He is the prize at the top of the peak

You have the strength, for He placed it within
You keep the faith that led you to Him

We will lift you up with praise and with prayer
We will never you let you down, we will always be there