If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
Like the river rushing furiously to unite with the sea
I would drown the doubt and anger until it choked and couldn't be
If I could take away your pain, I would pour it into me
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
Blocking out the rain, the hurt, the shame and cold
I would lift the weight and burden like a rising puff of smoke
If I could strip away your grief, I would wear it like a coat
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Sifting through the sludge to obtain what has been lost
Until your mind runs clear and the demons have been tossed
If I could quiet all your fears, I would drain them from your thoughts
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Really??
I am sure that you have learned by now that I am anything but a quitter. Thick-headed, one-track minded and a little stupid, yes, but quitter no. I just had this overwhelming feeling of everything is going to work out, it is all going to be ok and above all...I HAD to get pregnant again. It was only a 25% chance that it would happen again and those odds were lowered even more by the fact that it had already happened once. The odds were good and everyone was on board. My husband and I just have to look at each other and we get pregnant, so that was again not a problem. All my levels were good and everything in the early stages were fine as before. At between 16 and 18 weeks we went for the dreaded ultrasound. I was nothing but positive and wore my pink shirt in hopes of another girl. That was the only wish that came true that day.
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??
It was a girl, but she wasn't healthy and she had most of the same symptoms that her sister was burdened with. The genetics specialist then gave us an option that we hadn't even considered, termination. I never thought that this would be a decision that I would be faced with, none the less actually think about choosing! But I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay pregnant knowing that the outcome would be the same. How could I function as a pregnant woman carrying an essentially dead baby inside of me for four more months. I was in such a daze and my husband just wanted the whole thing to be over. The decision was made and we went home to prepare and wait for the call from the hospital as to when we should return. That call didn't come. The genetics specialist called and said that the hospital was refusing to induce me because there was no health risk to me and the baby's measurements didn't seem to be as severe as Kaelynn's, so there was some question as to her survival when Kaelynn's fate had been definite.
He offered the alternative of an abortion clinic where they would stick an extremely long needle filled with some sort of poison through my stomach to penetrate my uterus and my precious baby's skin; killing her while still inside me. I would then still have to go through the inducement process to deliver her. Can you not say NO, but HELL NO! THAT was not anywhere close to the experience I was going to have in this already nightmare that I was forced to live.
The specialist took it upon himself to give a presentation in front of the hospital board and was able to change their minds. Thank you Jesus! So we then scheduled our check in with the hospital and endured the hours of waiting for my body to respond to the drugs given me in order to purge from me the thing I was clinging to most, my baby girl Kadyn.
She was so tiny and still somewhat translucent because of the stage of her development, but she was beautiful and mine. I was so sorry that I had done this to her, so sad for any pain that she may have endured and so jealous that she got to see Kaelynn. What had I done in my life that was so horrible to deserve this pain? How could I leave the hospital empty handed AGAIN? Where was I to pull my hope from now? What was the point? I couldn't have what I wanted most, so where did I go from there? So many questions unanswered and so much anger building inside of me.
That was May 7, 2003. We had no idea of the things to come by the end of the year. Little did we know that God had been at work the entire time. He could have given a sister a head's up! Really??
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
It's Been A Day
March is never a good month, Kaelynn was born and died in that month. It has been 10 years and my body still remembers every emotion and feeling. I am happy with my life and I love my kids and I have a wonderful husband who loves my kids, but damn it still hurts! I still find myself making sure that I am not too happy, because that means something bad might happen. I think that my husband and I both hold back just a little on loving each other and the kids because if we love them too much, they may be taken away. I get so upset with them sometimes if they roughhouse too much because the mere thought of them being injured is almost more than I can handle. Then I think, God wouldn't take them from me. I had to work too hard to get them. Of course I didn't think he would allow me to have three of my own pass away either. What do I know? I am obviously not making the rules around here.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What now?
I look back at our journey and really wonder how I even got out of bed every day or why I thought I should. My greatest wish was never going to come true. I had always known that I wanted kids and once I met my husband, I wanted nothing more than to have his kids. Our beautiful children with gourgeous almond shaped blue eyes and curly hair. I would never look into those eyes and see a little part of myself. I would never have to tame that unruly hair and remember how much I hated it as a kid.
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(
What do we do now? Wander through life together always looking for something, not quite sure of what it is or how to reach it. Would I even know where to look or when I found it? We decided to try again. It HAS to be ok this time, right? Third time is the charm. No one discouraged us and everyone said it would be "ok".
Three strikes and your out:(
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