Even if you don't know what to say to me, saying anything is better than not acknowledging my loss at all. I already feel like the world just keeps on turning even though I can barely drag myself out of bed. No one seems to care that my reason for living is now a pile of ashes nestled in an angel urn on my mantle. I need to know that you care and that although you don't have a full grasp on the intensity of my pain, you still realize that it is real. So real and enveloping that I can't always talk about it and that right now I have bad days and really bad days.
The pain will lessen as time goes on, but I am not the same person I used to be. Life has taken on a new meaning for me and I won't have use for some of the nonsense that this world has to offer. I am a little more self aware and have a very strong sense of self preservation, which means I may seem selfish at times, but don't mean to hurt your feelings. I am not broken, however, and can tell when you are avoiding me. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable around me, but none of this was my fault and I am doing the best I can. I breath in and out hoping for God's peace to fill my heart a little more each day.
Please let me talk when I need to and don't keep me from crying, it is good for the soul.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Don't hate me because I am grieving
Dedicated to my friend Michelle S. having a hard time...
I can't come to your baby shower and act like everything is ok when my insides feel like they are being fed through a shredder. I can't come to your little sweet one's 2nd birthday party and smile and have cake when my angel would have been 2 in a couple of days. I can't open Christmas presents with your kids after I just cried for two hours because I don't have kids of my own to wrap for. I can't say any of these things out loud because you will think that I am a horrible person. You will think that I am not happy for the blessings everyone else has received when I can't be happy about anything right now.
Everywhere I go, there is a pregnant woman pushing a stroller. Around every corner, there is a sweet little face giggling and it is like nails on a chalkboard. It seems as if EVERY ONE of my friends is pregnant or just had a baby. Perfect strangers are making movies just to make ME cry!
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't even want to talk to my best friend who always makes me feel better. I don't want to feel better...HELL, I don't know what I want! I just need it not to hurt so much.
I can't come to your baby shower and act like everything is ok when my insides feel like they are being fed through a shredder. I can't come to your little sweet one's 2nd birthday party and smile and have cake when my angel would have been 2 in a couple of days. I can't open Christmas presents with your kids after I just cried for two hours because I don't have kids of my own to wrap for. I can't say any of these things out loud because you will think that I am a horrible person. You will think that I am not happy for the blessings everyone else has received when I can't be happy about anything right now.
Everywhere I go, there is a pregnant woman pushing a stroller. Around every corner, there is a sweet little face giggling and it is like nails on a chalkboard. It seems as if EVERY ONE of my friends is pregnant or just had a baby. Perfect strangers are making movies just to make ME cry!
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't even want to talk to my best friend who always makes me feel better. I don't want to feel better...HELL, I don't know what I want! I just need it not to hurt so much.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Remember that moment?
That moment right before your world came to a stop. That happy moment right before your world turned upside down. One second everything is right with the world and the next second, you can't breath. Give it back, you didn't just steal the very life that allows me to live. You can't have my heart, I need it inside my chest. What did I do to deserve such pain and what can I do to make it stop hurting?? WHY??????? I don't understand any of this and no one else understands how that feels. Is it possible for any more tears to fall? I must be dehyrated by now, but I can't stop crying.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Stupid things NOT to say to a grieving person
Keep in mind that most of these statements are more than likely true in the long run and not meant to be hurtful, but as discussed previously, the grieving brain does not function the same as it did before the grief set in. When you are newly grieving, nothing anyone says is going to make you feel any better, but that doesn't mean that you can't listen to and then ignore everyone's "helpful" statements. So, let's jump right in...
1. Everything is going to be ok - This may eventually become true, but right now in this moment, "ok" is so far removed that it's mailing address is in Timbuktu. You feel like you could live a thousand years and it never be "ok". What does that even mean? You would even take slightly less than "ok" right now if it would make any of the pain go away.
2. They are in a better place - So...yes, they are definitely in a better place than this trash can that we live in, but there could be no better place than right there beside you or cradled in your arms. We are selfish and we want that person we lost in the same place where we are, not in Heaven.
3. You need to (fill in the blank) - The only thing you NEED to do is breath in and out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you NEED to do whatever it is that makes your process easier.
4. I understand how you feel - Yeah, I don't think that ya do! I don't even understand how I feel, how could anyone else possibly understand this muddle of emotions that are going on inside of me?
5. This is part of God's plan - Well you know what?...God's plan SUCKS sometimes and I don't have to like it and I sure don't understand it. There were probably a dozen other ways that the plan could have played out that would have to be better than this.
Don't get me wrong, God has given back the blessings that were taken away and I know that the "plan" is not mine and not necessarily the one I would have chosen but the plan none the less. My faith has brought me to this place and my hope takes me beyond that a little more each day. Talking about the anger and the hurt does help and having someone to just listen is a huge blessing. I am thankful for all of the people in my life who have done that for me. I pray you find someone too.
1. Everything is going to be ok - This may eventually become true, but right now in this moment, "ok" is so far removed that it's mailing address is in Timbuktu. You feel like you could live a thousand years and it never be "ok". What does that even mean? You would even take slightly less than "ok" right now if it would make any of the pain go away.
2. They are in a better place - So...yes, they are definitely in a better place than this trash can that we live in, but there could be no better place than right there beside you or cradled in your arms. We are selfish and we want that person we lost in the same place where we are, not in Heaven.
3. You need to (fill in the blank) - The only thing you NEED to do is breath in and out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you NEED to do whatever it is that makes your process easier.
4. I understand how you feel - Yeah, I don't think that ya do! I don't even understand how I feel, how could anyone else possibly understand this muddle of emotions that are going on inside of me?
5. This is part of God's plan - Well you know what?...God's plan SUCKS sometimes and I don't have to like it and I sure don't understand it. There were probably a dozen other ways that the plan could have played out that would have to be better than this.
Don't get me wrong, God has given back the blessings that were taken away and I know that the "plan" is not mine and not necessarily the one I would have chosen but the plan none the less. My faith has brought me to this place and my hope takes me beyond that a little more each day. Talking about the anger and the hurt does help and having someone to just listen is a huge blessing. I am thankful for all of the people in my life who have done that for me. I pray you find someone too.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Grieving...it's what's for dinner,
and for breakfast and lunch. It won't let you eat or it makes you eat too much. It creeps into your sleep and invades your dreams. It trys to drown you in the shower and blocks out the sun on the hottest day. It clouds your mind so you can't even remember what you just said, but you remember that moment when there was no breath or sign of the one you loved in that lifeless vessel that you held in your arms like it just happened...because you keep reliving it even when you don't want to or try to block it out and act like it never happened. But it did, it did happen and you have so many questions that they weigh you down like a wet blanket that you can't entangle from. Why did this happen to me? Why did it happen right now? Why do these things happen at all? Isn't this something that you read happened to someone else in a far away place; it doesn't happen to me??
Everyone else goes on about their business like the world hasn't ended. Don't they know my life has stopped? Can't they feel my pain radiating out from me trying to reach them all? You say and do things that you normally wouldn't and it is usually to the ones that are dearest to you. You can't stop yourself and you can see and hear a tiny version of yourself in the back of your head screaming STOP, why are saying those things? Your mind doesn't respond because your brain doesn't work properly anymore. There are too many misfires to count and there is sometimes no communication between your brain and your other functions. You don't care if other people's feelings get hurt because deep down in that very "human" place, you want everyone else to feel the way you feel. Your insides ache and burn and feel empty at the same time. Your limbs each way 1,000 pounds and just won't move the way they should and your heart...your heart at first feels this great crushing, like someone is squeezing and squeezing trying to get it to pop but it just holds on and then you feel it break. You actually feel it never being the same and the hole that is there and over time things and people will happen in your life that fill it little by little but it will never completely close. It will always be searching for that piece that got lost and the answers that may never come.
Everyone else goes on about their business like the world hasn't ended. Don't they know my life has stopped? Can't they feel my pain radiating out from me trying to reach them all? You say and do things that you normally wouldn't and it is usually to the ones that are dearest to you. You can't stop yourself and you can see and hear a tiny version of yourself in the back of your head screaming STOP, why are saying those things? Your mind doesn't respond because your brain doesn't work properly anymore. There are too many misfires to count and there is sometimes no communication between your brain and your other functions. You don't care if other people's feelings get hurt because deep down in that very "human" place, you want everyone else to feel the way you feel. Your insides ache and burn and feel empty at the same time. Your limbs each way 1,000 pounds and just won't move the way they should and your heart...your heart at first feels this great crushing, like someone is squeezing and squeezing trying to get it to pop but it just holds on and then you feel it break. You actually feel it never being the same and the hole that is there and over time things and people will happen in your life that fill it little by little but it will never completely close. It will always be searching for that piece that got lost and the answers that may never come.
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