Grieving...it's what's for dinner,

and for breakfast and lunch.  It won't let you eat or it makes you eat too much.  It creeps into your sleep and invades your dreams.  It trys to drown you in the shower and blocks out the sun on the hottest day.  It clouds your mind so you can't even remember what you just said, but you remember that moment when there was no breath or sign of the one you loved in that lifeless vessel that you held in your arms like it just happened...because you keep reliving it even when you don't want to or try to block it out and act like it never happened.  But it did, it did happen and you have so many questions that they weigh you down like a wet blanket that you can't entangle from.  Why did this happen to me?  Why did it happen right now?  Why do these things happen at all?  Isn't this something that you read happened to someone else in a far away place; it doesn't happen to me??
Everyone else goes on about their business like the world hasn't ended.  Don't they know my life has stopped?  Can't they feel my pain radiating out from me trying to reach them all?  You say and do things that you normally wouldn't and it is usually to the ones that are dearest to you.  You can't stop yourself and you can see and hear a tiny version of yourself in the back of your head screaming STOP, why are saying those things?  Your mind doesn't respond because your brain doesn't work properly anymore.  There are too many misfires to count and there is sometimes no communication between your brain and your other functions.  You don't care if other people's feelings get hurt because deep down in that very "human" place, you want everyone else to feel the way you feel.  Your insides ache and burn and feel empty at the same time.  Your limbs each way 1,000 pounds and just won't move the way they should and your heart...your heart at first feels this great crushing, like someone is squeezing and squeezing trying to get it to pop but it just holds on and then you feel it break.  You actually feel it never being the same and the hole that is there and over time things and people will happen in your life that fill it little by little but it will never completely close.  It will always be searching for that piece that got lost and the answers that may never come.