There is another loop-de-loop to turn your stomach. So, the doctors and genetic specialist never discouraged us from trying to get pregnant again and I,of course, wanted to be as soon as possible. I am the ultimate optimist and firm believer of everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok! I have learned the very hard lesson, however, that everything is not always ok and sometimes things can turn straight to ka-ka in the blink of an eye.
My husband would have done just about anything to "make it better" at this point, so he agreed to try right away. As previously mentioned, getting pregnant is not a problem for us so it again only took one try. I was really in no shape, mentally or physically, to be pregnant and unfortanetely sufferer a miscarriage. My doctor insisted on performing a d&c (sp?).
I felt compelled to share this part of our story because so many people don't understand the pain of a miscarriage. One would think that since I had just experienced such a terrible loss, a miscarriage wouldn't be too unnerving...this would not be the case. My miscarriage was an even bigger slap in the face. This pregnancy was supposed to be my comeback, I had everything on red and was letting her ride. I just knew God wouldn't give me more heartache. I had been through so much already, he wouldn't put more on me than I could take. Little did I know, my rope is apparently so long that even if I wanted to tie it to something and hang myself, the other end doesn't exist.
The reason the loss of a child is so damn hard, is because he/she isn't just that beautiful face, the cutest tiny hands and toes or a part of you and your husband innertwined, they are you hopes...dreams...aspirations and future! Everything that you never had or never got to do in your childhood, you wish for them. You want to be able to provide them as much of the world as is possible and show them the beauty in this sometimes ugly place.
We as women can love that egg and sperm so deeply before they are even united. Definitely something that men don't understand. My husband could just detach himself from each pregnancy (yes there will be more). I didn't have that option. I was linked and in love from the time I saw positive on the pregnancy test, even before I felt any real affects of the pregnancy at all. That is just how I am wired and I couldn't turn it off. I am still a little jealous of my husband that he has that little treasure chest in the far corner of his mind where everything is kept locked away, but not as if it never happened, just not to be taken out and sorted through as I often do daily.
No comments:
Post a Comment