I remember how excited and happy and terrified I was at the thought of bringing our twins home. We had worked so hard for these babies and been through so much and now we had received what we had been praying for for so long. Of course, we are the classic case of be careful what you pray for. I only asked for one healthy baby and I got two! You would have thought and I am sure that most people did, that we would be blissfully happy and never want for another thing in this life, but we still ached to have a child that came from the love that we shared.
I think now how selfish this is and the thought of what might have happened to our girls had we not adopted them turns my stomach, but I had an unrelenting NEED to get pregnant again. It was always there in the back of my mind and I talked it about quite frequently with my husband, who said time and time again "I'm good with the girls". Twins are a big undertaking for first time parents and I was still grieving for the two girls we had lost. I was sooooooo overprotective of the twins and was branded "Freak Mom" by those closest to me. Let's face it, I was afraid of losing them too. I was past the point of "the worst is over" or "nothing else could possibly go wrong". These types of things aren't in our vocabulary anymore. It can always be worse and it can happen again...because it did. I know now that it was part of His plan and the way that it had to be, but man was I angry. I also remember being in denial for a little while and thinking that there is no way that we could both carry this rare gene that is prominent in an Amish community in Pennsylvania. I mean, seriously, what kind of crap is that?! And who were we to deserve such a beautiful gift as these twin girls? Most couples stay on a list for years and either never get a baby or end up adopting older children. We got two babies, from birth, and no opposition from the birth parents. Our story was something that a friend tells you about. You know the one...did you hear about so-and-so and her losing two babies? I don't know how she made it through that and then they adopted twins, can you believe it?
These kind of things don't happen to YOU, they are urban myths or fairly tales from far off lands. So, yes, I have been angry...scared...excited...depressed...anxious...exhausted...worried...confused and elated all in one day before. It would come in waves or all at one time and be so hard to process. I wish I had had a me to talk to, someone that had been there. Someone that was writing a blog about what she felt and how she coped. You can have some "crazy" thoughts and emotions when things like this happen and none of them are wrong, they just are. There is no right or wrong way to process your trials, you just have to do what you can do and have a good support system. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope. Always look up to Him for support and not down to drugs, alcohol or withdrawing from those that love you. You need them now more than ever. Use those shoulders and don't be afraid to cry or yell or run, just make sure that you come back refreshed and ready to jump that next hurdle. Not even Forest Gump could run forever, you have stop running at some point. The sun always rises and problems are like shadows, they will always be behind you or in front of you and no matter how fast your run, they have no problem keeping up.
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